What? You don’t think unicorns are scary? Well, you’d be wrong! 

Why do you think this one’s so fat? It’s from eating all those people!

Well, at the very LEAST…it eats gingerbread men pretending that they’re people…

 OOoooooooOOOoooooooo

Alright, I have a confession to make: I have NO time to do anything besides look for work and complain about not finding anything (more time required for the latter).  The little unicorn was something I drew a week ago and I just plopped it in there.

I’m so ashamed…but I’ll make it up to you.

The narwhals are already cursed with an unflattering name: Whoever was in charge of naming them decided that their blue and grey mottled skin bore a strong resemblance to the bloated, body of a drowned sailor-’nar’ is the old Norse word for corpse-and the catchy name seems to have stuck.

Narwhals seclude themselves to the Arctic, and who could blame them with a name like corpse-whale? Since frostbite isn’t appealing to most people, these little whales were unknown to many in the past (Animal Planet wasn’t too popular at the time) and they still don’t come up in a lot of conversations.

The whale’s secluded nature helped conceal the true identity of the unicorn horns sold throughout Europe. Even Queen Elizabeth was happy to receive a diamond crusted “unicorn horn” costing about as much as the castle she lived in. If she knew that the horn actually came from something as ordinary as a blubber covered whale, she wouldn’t have been as excited about it.

 Either way, Narwhals are still pretty sensitive when it comes to the topic of unicorns.

In mythology and ancient literature throughout Greece, Europe and Asia, unicorns were depicted as powerful and fierce animals.

Their description varies by region and time-period, but unicorns typically galloped around on cloven hooves, while flicking away flies with a lion’s tail. Some of the more distinguished looking unicorns also sported a goat-like beard.

In Medieval times, it was noted that the only being capable of soothing the savage unicorn was a virgin.

I don’t know what it is about virgins, but they seem to be the cure for all kinds of things. Back in the day, I’m sure that these rumors were spread around to encourage naïve, young women to have sex as soon as possible, lest they get thrown into a volcano or used as unicorn bait.

Either way, when a unicorn approached a young virgin, he would immediately place his head on her lap and get lulled to sleep by her super-human virgin powers. Once the animal started snoring, hunters would come in and attack. As you can see, this was all very scientific stuff, and people believed it.

Hunters supposedly killed these rare unicorns for their milk and hides, both of which could be used as an aphrodisiac. This was especially useful for men wooing the few stubborn virgins who weren’t convinced that giving up their cherries would increase their lifespan.

Obviously nothing was more unique than a unicorn’s horn, which was said to neutralize any poison. You could chug a cocktail mixed with curare and walk away feeling refreshed, as long as you sipped it out of an authentic unicorn horn mug. These novelty cups didn’t come cheap, either, and who could deny the existence of these magical creatures when their parts were available at all the higher end boutiques?

Few people knew that the sharp spiral horns carefully placed in shop windows were actually narwhal tusks shipped over from the Arctic, and that the lumbering, hairy unicorns described by Marco Polo were really just rhinos. 

Unicorns have changed throughout the years, though. Nowadays we associate them with fluffy ponies that give rides to little girls while farting out sugary rainbows. But how did this major change happen?

Maybe they were sick of getting hunted down,  and as a last resort, the unicorns hatched a plan: Through extensive marketing, unicorns have managed to convince us that their body parts are useless, and better yet, don’t even exist. Not only that, but there is no longer pride associated in hunting down the modernized unicorn. These animals are now thought of as helpless, sweet, cuddly and sparkly. Unicorns are still enthralled with innocent young maidens, though, and because of this, have convinced little girls worldwide that they want nothing more than a ride on a magical unicorn.

None of this comes as a surprise since it was really just a matter of time before the entire human race was to be outwitted by an animal.

(The above comic was drawn by the incredibly talented Antonio Maldonado.)