Seafoodpunch

How America Ruined It All:

Americans don’t like morbid stories: Just like they changed up the Brothers Grimm, getting rid of all the gore, they also changed Santa Claus to make him less frightening. America needs to censor everything, and just look where that got us: We have a morbidly obese Santa who eats all of our cookies and reindeer that poop on our roofs , while we have to read our kids boring fairy tales missing all the good parts.

America’s Classic Santa:

Santa Claus; Sitting on his lap strikes an untold fear in many a baby (just look at that horror stricken kid in the photo…its hilarious). His boisterous laugh-the infamous ‘HO HO HO’-warms the hearts of children and is cause for countless prostitute jokes.

His face, with the rosy red cheeks and immense fluffy white beard, seems to smile back at you from every other TV commercial, every Christmas mug and every soda can during the holiday months (which, I might add, seem to start earlier every year…Christmas music in October? Come ON).

This jolly man, who shimmies down your chimney to deliver gifts and spread the joy of christmas, can do no wrong. Even when he succumbs to the body’s necessities, he leaves behind nothing but the pleasant aroma of minty fresh candy cane!

A man like this is probably too good to be true. But Santa really does exist. Well, he DID… Take away about 200 pounds, add some color to the paper-white skin and turn the clock back to the 4th century and you’ll find yourself face to face with the man who started the whole tradition: Saint Nicholas of Myra.

The Saint’s Story:

The Saint changed the lives of many with the gifts he selflessly gave to the poor in a small Turkish province. What made Nicholas famous, though, were the dowries he gave to three daughters who were so desperate for money that they’d been throwing the idea around of becoming prostitutes. At the time, it was the only way for a woman to make some money quickly. (maybe that’s where the “HO HO HO” comes in? )

The Legend:

After his death, the legend lived on: St. Nicholas soon took the form of a man delivering presents to all the children in the world. But there is a darker side to the story, as well. In the original stories, Santa had sinister travelling companions, whose duty it was to schlep all the toys around and punish unruly children. These stories haven’t changed much in Europe.

The more famous of his companions are the servant Ruprecht-a farmboy who Nicholas rescued-and the demon Krampus. Krampus is the interesting one and is usually portrayed as a horned, imp-like devil, covered in goat hair and with a thrashing tail. He is in charge of giving naughty kids a present, while Santa spends his time rewarding the more deserving kids. Sometimes Krampus’ precious gift was a beating, whipping, a long trip in a small sack or even death, depending on how naughty the kid actually was. Definitely the gift that keeps on giving!

Some parents will still give naughty kids a stick-one of Ruprecht’s favorite beating tools- as a warning during the holidays. I don’t know where the American tradition of coal comes in, but I don’t want to be a part of that BBQ.

This folklore is especially popular in Germanic countries where people show their Christmas spirit by putting on the scary Krampus costume and prancing around town. Hey, they don’t celebrate Halloween there, so this is a way to mix it up a little.

The French have a pretty morbid story too (typical): In France, Nich’s servant goes by the name, Père Fouettard (the whipfather), and was standing over the three children he fiendishly massacred when St. Nicholas found him. St. Nicholas, nice guy that he was, brought the kids back to life and enlisted Pere as his helper to whip the naughty kids.

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American kids turn into savage little beasts when Christmas time comes around and at this point, not even the threat of a Krampus can set them straight, all we can tell them is that we’ll force them to take a photo with Santa if they don’t behave.

Happy Holidays!