Seafoodpunch

I’m not a religious person, but the idea of a god showing up on earth to enrich our lives with candy is one thing I can wholeheartedly believe in.

The deity in question, Quetzalcoatl (we’ll call him QT for short), wasn’t much of a looker; bearing strong resemblance to a snake that had been tarred and feathered.

I’m not sure why QT decided to fly down to earth on the beam of a morning star to deliver a cacao tree stolen from paradise, but that is exactly what he did. Fortunately, the frothy drinks made from the holy cacao beans, made it easier for the locals to forget their fear of the giant snake-bird-thing and QT was revered despite his looks.

The other gods looking down from paradise were a condescending bunch who believed that they were the only beings worthy of consuming anything as fantabulous as cacao. I imagine that they had gotten used to spending most of their time sipping the sweet, hot elixir while giggling and gossiping over the most recent heavenly events, occasionally sneaking quick glances at QT curled up in the corner.

QT probably didn’t fit into this heavenly clique and may have even been shunned because of his looks. Fed up with his life as an outcast, he dug up what he thought to be an excellent present and headed down to the hopefully more accepting human race.

We can all relate, since even today, chocolate is delivered by enamored men in the hopes that the desired female (or male…I don’t judge) will accept them regardless of any shortcomings.

The other gods were understandably infuriated. QT had given up one of the things that set them apart from mortals and so they kicked QT out of paradise for good. The jealous deities came to regret their decision as QT made a place for himself amongst the Mayans and Aztec communities as a symbol of death, resurrection, and of course, agriculture. The other gods were left to suck down their cacao in silence, with nothing to make fun of.

Everyone wanted some of QT’s cacao beans. They became so popular that they were used as currency by the Mayans and a form of tax collected by the Aztecs. Just 10 beans would get you a bit of funtime with a prostitute while a slave would sell for around 100 beans. Unfortunately, cacao beans weren’t the hardest thing to counterfeit and fake clay beans eventually made their way into the system.

It got even worse once Cortez marched into town, took over the Aztec capital and sailed back to Spain with his ships loaded down with millions of cacao beans. After that, a prostitute cost about 30 beans, thanks to inflation.

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As a sign of appreciation for the great gift of cacao, the occasional animal used to get sacrificed in QT’s honor. Unfortunately, we live in a time where people frown upon the eccentric chocolate-lover decapitating or microwaving an animal in QT’s honor. So how do we show our appreciation for the heavenly gift of cacao today?   Well, like most things in life, bacon is the answer. The perfect compromise comes in the form of the bacon infused chocolate bar: The occasional pig gets slaughtered (*bow* thank you Quetzalcoatl, sacrificial pig turns into bacon *bow*) but its meat is incorporated into the chocolate instead of rotting away on an altar.

Maybe we should be thanking QT a little more by going out and buying more of those bacon chocolate bars since the cacao bean is currently suffering. QT must be feeling a little under appreciated, or it could be global warming. Either way, within 20 years chocolate will supposedly cost as much as caviar because, for one reason or another, the worlds cacao plants are getting depressed and giving up on life. We need to do something! But until then, my going rate remains 500 beans (450 if you throw in some bacon).