June 20th, 2010 
Seafoodpuncher An abandoned fly followed me into my house recently. It’s pretty big as far as flies go, and needs more space than I can provide.
He is very well behaved and likes nothing more sharing a donut and some dysentery with his loving owner.
If you know anyone who can give Vincent a good home, please let me know.
December 5th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher Christopher Vear of Vearpothesis shares his home with two wet, bulging, eyeballs attached to a wrinkled towel. I’m told that this abomination is actually a kind of dog known as a pug. The following guest post written and illustrated by the talented artist highlights one of the animal’s weird-and arguably demonic-little habits. Thanks, Chris!
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What can I say?
I love pugs.
They’re such bizarre things! My roommate’s pug does this frequently: We like to call it “The Superpug”. When properly spooked, excited, or otherwise bothered, the little bugger releases an obnoxious amount of energy (Approximately 3,850,000 megajoules) in a furious streak of pug.
Wrinkles fluttering in the wind, eyes glazed in madness, tail unfurled…Aerodynamics be damned, this pug shreds the very fabric of time and space with his fury.
Snot and boogers are instantaneously vaporized as his nasal passages uncoil to force matter through his engine of a carapace. His gaping maw snorts belts of flame. And for just the briefest of moments, he can see. . . forever.
At least that’s what we think is going on; thanks to the laws of relativity, specifically those concerning pug-time, we cannot fully observe, or even comprehend what Pig Pug truly experiences. Though if my calculations are correct, the above description is accurate.
November 20th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher 
I’ve had a lot of pets over the years, but none left more of a mark than a very special chicken, known affectionately as “Salmonella” or “Chicken”.
Salmonella came to me in a small cardboard box. I can’t say I was too pleased when I opened up this supposed gift to find a shivering fluffball squatting in a pile of its own poop.
I didn’t even know what to expect! My friend had just told me that “there was a chick he wanted to introduce me to” and showed up at my door with this box minutes later.
HAR! GOOD ONE!
Thankfully, baby chicken poop smells like cornbread so it wasn’t completely unbearable living with poultry.
Unfortunately, little Salmonella grew at an alarming rate. A heat lamp and teddy bear shoved in an IKEA drawer worked at first-and there is nothing cuter than a chick squeezing her head through a teddy bear’s arms just to snuggle up-but Chicken outgrew her home within a few weeks.
Not only that, but I had to drag my pocket pet all over the place because without a warm hand or pocket to sit in, Salmonella would hop out of her drawer, flop onto the carpet 5 feet below, and proceed to trip around the apartment chirping like a fiend until someone picked up the little shit.
Bringing a chicken on all your errands might work for SOME people, but I’m still trying to convince everyone that I’m not insane.
Salmonella grew up to become a cute, attention whore of a bird: This chicken would strut around the backyard gurgling and squawking for attention until someone…ANYONE…either fed her or stood around while Chickie scratched around for bugs.
I attempted buying another chicken to make Salmonella’s life less miserable, but it turned into a disaster.
Chicken #2 (a.k.a Pugly) was an abomination of nature: Half Silkie and half Brahman, Pugly looked like a mutated hairball with a black beak and a bright, red brain protruding from his forehead.
Even though Pugly lived up to his name in looks, he completely shunned Salmonella, and ended up falling in love with one of the gardening shoes I kept on the porch. (Salmonella had the most gorgeous nuggets around…so this was inexplicable behavior on Pugly’s part.)
The last straw was when Pugly fiercely attacked Salmonella for getting a little too close to his Shoe-toy. It didn’t help that this feathered perversion turned out to be a rooster. He came with an attitude and a built in alarm set to 6am.
Pugly was promptly returned to his previous home.
It was hard giving my Salmonella away when I moved to an apartment complex that preferred to keep their property Chicken-free. Having a chicken as a pet makes for a great conversation piece. People immediately open up…and I learned a lot from the bird.
For example, I never knew that chickens have an affinity for turkey sandwiches. (I’m going to hell.)
Nor did I know that chicken will float on water completely oblivious to the world… after accidentally jumping in a full bathtub.
And I’m still amazed at all the sounds that came out of that tiny bird’s beak during the 5 years that I took care of the thing. Chickens have a special squawk for different types of predators…so I always knew when the neighbor’s cat was there for a visit, or when a hawk was circling overhead.
A chicken can despise flip flops.
Chickens love creating music.
Yep…chickens can teach us all a thing or two.
Appreciate those eggs!!!
I’m surprised at how many people knocked on my door wondering what happened to the incessant chicken noises that they’d gotten so accustomed to. I found out later that Salmonella habitually snuck out of the yard and ran around the property for 8 hours while I was at work- she waddled around greeting neighbors, getting fed, hanging out with the pigeons-and the neighbors just threw her back over the fence before I got home. Everyone knew where the chicken lived.
We all felt at a loss without Salmonella in our lives and decided to have a bbq to make up for it.
The chicken, on the other hand, probably forgot about me as soon as the new owner let her sit on the couch and watch TV with the family.
Posted in Animalia 
Tags: Animalia, bantam, chicken, chickie, cute, farm, my apartment manager loved chickie, pet, poultry, salmonella 
7 Comments » August 25th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher 
I’ve lived with a girl who faked being handicapped, a Minotaur and a fundamental Christian who belly danced on the weekends for some extra cash. But nothing was worse than when one roommate decided to bring along her cat.
I was excited at first. I wouldnt mind a cat around the house; they can be cute, and cuddly and maybe even funny once in a while … but once the bundle of fluff was carried into my apartment I knew the experience would be a disappointment.
This manic depressive cat did nothing but lie on the carpet and lose chunks of fur.
Alright, so she did more than that: Mrs.Fluffy’s 22 hour naps were punctuated with regular barf sessions. To find the cat, you’d just have to follow the barfy trail she’d left behind…sort of like a hairy, slug.
Or, you’d just have to listen for the “urk, urk, urk, urk, urk…”
I knew who to blame, though….and it wasn’t the owner.
Oh, no…It’s the media.
Thousands of pets are afflicted with bulimia, and who could blame them?
After seeing the sexy felines on Fancyfeast commercials and watching the self-righteous Pedigree pups strut around on screen, any pet is going to feel self conscious. Our pets are brought up believing they have to look like all the cartoons on TV or the stuffed animals that line the shelves at Pet-co.
So they barf.
Damn media!
March 12th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher My eyes had begun to glaze over as I made my way through the pet store in search of the perfect fish. I passed small, beady-eyed cichlids and dozens of other shiny fish that flitted from one end of their tanks to the other. Nothing really peaked my interest, though. They were all just boring fish with no personality. I wanted something…more exciting? Less fishy? I had no idea…
I began to think that I was looking for the impossible, and then I noticed two giant eyeballs staring at me from a small tank in the corner of the store. It was love at first sight.
The eyes jostled around on a bulging face similar to a yolk jiggling around on an undercooked egg. I knew the fish was doing its best to focus on me. His entire body, which was basically just a scaly ball with tiny fins, seized from side to side in an attempt to stay in position, while his mouth opened and closed excitedly. I never wanted a pet more in my life. (Click HERE or HERE to see one of these guys in ‘action’)
Squishypuff did alright in his aquarium for a while. I grew accustomed to him swimming upside down when he couldn’t fight the current with the tiny fins he’d been cursed with. And I got used to his habit of picking up pebbles from the bottom of the tank only to get them stuck in his mouth. He really did have an undercooked egg for a head.
But I couldn’t overlook the fact that he couldn’t compete with the few other fish in the tank. He did his best to wiggle his way towards the food pellets I plopped into the water every day, but he was just too slow. By the time squishypuff jiggled and writhed his way to the surface, all the food had already been eaten, digested and crapped out by the other, less mutated and more agile, fish. I would watch the pitiful Squishypuff (never one to give up) continue to jiggle around the surface in search of scraps, looking confused as always.
I had my heart set on keeping Squishy, but I couldn’t think of any solution besides shoving the fish pellets into Squishypuff’s face myself. I decided to take an alternative, less time-consuming, route and sent poor Squishy off to live with a family of goldfish that were just as dumb, slow and eager to suck on rocks.
I like to think that Squishy is now the proud father of dozens of little goldfish: They may never get anywhere no matter how hard they wiggle those ridiculous bodies of theirs, but they never give up either. Here’ s to you Squishypuff! *raises glass*
Posted in Animalia, Best of SFP Tags: Animalia, cute, dumb, fat, fish, goldfish, pet, squishy, squishypuff 12 Comments » January 20th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher A soon as a wedding ring slides onto their quivering fingers, a lot of people just let themselves go: Eventually, the finger plumps up like a hot dog overheating in the microwave, and the ring is stuck onto the sausage-finger for good.
The simplest solution for those who can afford it, is to just get all that fat sucked out. Many people have had their fair share of plastic surgery, so it shouldn’t be surprising that pets are sliced into better looking versions of themselves as well:
Some men sympathize with their dogs after having snipped away their manhood. So, after a visit to the vet, why not take Fido to the nearest plastic surgeon to insert a bigger, better plastic package in the now depressingly bare nether regions?
And what about the female dog? There is nothing cute about a saggy breasted bitch after she has had to nurse dozens of puppies, so why not give the overworked dog a lift and augmentation? It doesn’t end there either: Tummy tucks and face-lifts are also an option for the morbidly obese feline or droopy faced mutt.
Some people just don’t know what to do with their money…(click HERE to read a little more about a Brazilian vet specializing in pet beautifying surgeries.)
Posted in Animalia, Health & Fashion Tags: Animalia, balls, pet, plastic surgery, ridiculous 2 Comments »
