Posts Tagged ‘people’

Talk To Me When You’re 115

December 30th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

Making it to 100 years old comes with a variety of privileges, one of which is your very own Wikipedia article. Maria De Jesus, at 115 years old, is one of those people. Thanks to Wikipedia we know that Maria enjoys walking around with the help of her walker (still an amazing feat at 115), sitting on the porch and eating foods like as rice pudding and ice cream. All this is very specific and found in Wikipedia along with the fact that Maria likes baths.

It seems like at least once a month I hear about someone who just celebrated their 100th birthday. When you reach a certain age, you learn to enjoy the simpler things in life: Bringing over a slightly molten ice cream cake is enough to bring a gummy old grin to the wrinkled face of the ancient Maria.

Every single person who has lived to see 100 was born after the 1860′s (with a couple exceptions). We are living longer than ever, but are we outstaying our welcome? New medicines, foods, healthier lifestyles and genetics are all a part of the ‘problem’. I’m not calling old people problems, mind you! Even though, the mother-in-law tends to hang out a lot longer than anyone would like.

Before the 1800′s rolled around, most people were ready to call it quits in their 40s. In the 1900′s you retired at 60 because you almost definitely wouldn’t make it past 80. Now, in the 20th century, I try and keep up with all the ‘senior citizens’ at my gym who are as limber as the buxom kick-boxing instructor, while I’m left wheezing for air. 60? pshaw. You’re still young!

My cousin once said he couldn’t imagine living past 30, because being remembered as an old fart is just lame (He is now 32 and dating a 22 year old, so it all balances out). These days, you haven’t even started living till your mid-twenties and many people I know didn’t even pop out their first baby till their mid 30s. Others have hit 40 and just seem to have forgotten about raising a family since they’re still not ready. what is going on?!

It is a tactic to reduce the human population I tell you! Give it time and you’ll see. The world is changing. Eventually we are going to have to take care of our 100 year old parents and won’t have time to procreate. Plus, you don’t want to bring over a lady when you can hear your dad sucking on tapioca pudding in the next room.

Either way, it all works out: Diners will pop up on every corner. Road rage will just about be eliminated since people will forget why they are in such a hurry. Fiber will generously be poured into our drinks while we have to keep working into our 120′s to pay for all the health care.

Posted in Health & Fashion Tags: , , , , 2 Comments »
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Look-A-likes: Out There Is a Nacho With Your Face On It

December 18th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

It was definitely cold outside, but the fresh air was a welcome change from the boring stink of the office. I wandered around aimlessly for a while, which was still more productive than anything I could have ever done at my desk. Playing solitaire is only fun for so long.

Feeling ambitious, I walk farther than usual and find a store full of all kinds of crap; perfect to pass the time. I walk the isles, poking at curiosities like crystal hot dogs, and cat shaped clocks. What’s even more fascinating is how many people are in the store with baskets loaded with stuff I wouldn’t give my worst enemy.

I start feeling uncomfortable. The shop owner has been following me around with her grey eyes for a while. All of sudden she sighs and says, “It’s about time you showed up. I was wondering if you’d ever pick up the yodeling pickle we’d put on hold for you.”

No, I’ve never been in the store, I have enough pickles, I don’t have my wallet, no I don’t want to see the new shipment of novelty packing peanuts and you’ve confused me for someone else. I blame the glaucoma evident in the shopkeeper’s eyes, but it’s not the first time I’ve been mistaken for someone else.

How many people are out there that look like me, I wonder? I guarantee that if not now, then in the past century, there has been at least one person born with an uncanny resemblance to this gorgeous reflection staring back at me right now.

TotallyLooksLike is a site with a similar idea. Not only does it compare people to each other, but to cartoons, statues, pets, nuts and vegetables that look like a specific person. Lets use a couple of Jacksons as reference: Jesse Jackson looks like a pug, no quesion, and Michael Jackson looks like one of those egyptian statues that have the habit of losing their noses as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s embarassingly entertaining to look at the site, but it does make you wonder: Is there some kind of lonely little dachshund that might look like me? Or a filthy rich Russian millionare whos twin I could pretend to be? Not only that, but how weird is it, that with the billions of looks influenced by our genes, so many people exist that look like siblings?

I guess in a sense it’s true that we’re all related, but I’d rather not wonder whether I’m dating someone who may have the same great-grandparents that I do. Back to the point: Comparing people to things like dogs, potatoes, broken statues and each other is another fun way to pass the time.

Thank you, that is all.

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What Kind of Bum are You?

December 12th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

Bums come in all shapes and sizes: From the person who hangs out in front of the liquor store with one gloved hand held out for some change while he coughs in the other, to the thirty year old who plays WOW in the attic while waiting for his disgruntled friend to bring up some more pizza-rolls (Hey, it isn’t HIS house). Finally, there is to the smart entrepreneurial homeless person, who has a paying job but is homeless by choice-it’s rent, tax and burdensome free.

You can definitely rake in some cash while you’re homeless: One savvy computer nerd, Corey, actually set up a consulting company with the help of a computer he found in a dumpster. He then took advantage of the free internet provided at coffee shops by day and kinkos by night (where he also slept).  You an read his story HERE.

Some homeless people are actually called adventurers: What about all those backpackers who havn’t showered in days, and smell like a pot of boiling brussel sprouts? They may be covered in lice, grime, sweat and dandruff but they keep on smiling because they’re just so happy with life (or they’re high, I dont know). These people aren’t considered homeless…they are called ‘ world travelers’ or ’hippies’.  Maybe homeless people should strap on a big backpack and hold on to a Fodor’s travel book to avoid annoyed looks.

There is a definite stigma attached to being homeless, but the truth is that only the obvious bums who don’t do anything but sit around asking for money give the rest a bad name. Some homeless people live on the streets by choice and have no characteristics that make them stand out amongst the other thousands of people who hang out in the area. 

You can be homeless, but that doesn’t mean that you’re a lazy bum. You have to be smart and you have to keep the few possessions you have safe, while getting rid of others-like lice and crabs-that you are better off without. click HERE for the Survival Guide to Homelessness, written by a relatively intelligent man who spent a few years living on the street. (there haven’t been any postings for a while, but the content is still relevant)

There are a few tricks to surviving in “the survival guide to homelessness. ” For example, the author suggests using some sex lube and a thimble full of water to help the razor glide across your face without the need to buy expensive shaving creams. You may be homeless…but you still want to look attractive to the ladies. Looking good may get you a few invitations to spend the night in a nice warm bed which comes with a shower in the morning.

We all know that the economy sucks right now. Countless people have been skulking out of their offices after being told that there just isn’t any money left to pay for their days spent making photo copies and chitchatting next to the water cooler. Being homeless may be a welcome option though, if you want to save some money (and don’t have a family that will definitely NOT be enthused about this new-found lifestyle.) I, for one, couldn’t live without my microwave and Adult-Swim (sad, I know).

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