Oh wait. It gets better! What is that thing it’s attached to? A mole??! Sweet Jeezus, how have I never noticed that mound before! Well, thanks to the 2 inch long hair that was trailing out of it, I’m now fully aware of the delightful little fleck.

Whateva! Let me tell you a little something kiddies! A couple moles are actually good for you!

Moles are linked with a prolonged lifespan. People with a lot of moles tend to have chromosomes that don’t deteriorate as fast-which causes aging. So…HA! I’m going to live freaking forever!

I don’t mind turning into one of those mole covered, old farts that hobble their way to a crappy diner every Sunday. (It obviously doesn’t matter where you go, because at this point in your life, everything tastes like soggy cardboard anyway.)

Now I know why most of the really old people I come across have the occasional mole. Their mole-free senior friends obviously had the habit of dying a little earlier.

Not only that, but some moles look pretty awesome. Check out Marilyn Monroe, or Cindy Crawford. People would have PAID to suck on those celebrity moles.

Unfortunately, people weren’t always admired for their moles. Moles on the face (especially the chin, nose and upper lip) were associated with evil. Imagine a witch. Think of her big, cackling face. She had a mole on her nose didn’t she? *sigh* So predictable.

During the middle ages warts and moles were also thought to be a marker symbolizing where the devil entered the person’s soul.  I don’t know how that worked, though. If you had a ton of moles all over your body did that mean that there was a satanic party going on in there or what?

The only time I ever think of a mole as evil, is when the mole has some lengthy hairs popping out of it for the evil doers to climb up. Sort of like Rapunzel…If Rapunzel was a mole….and evil…and your face waaaaas…the tower. Yes. Just like that! 

Just pluck it! It’s fine. Nothing is going to happen.

(Some cultures, especially in Asia, would NEVER dream of doing such a thing since the hairs represent good luck. But come ON! How lucky can you be if your dates can’t concentrate on anything else? Moleeee, moleee, moleeee…) 

Moles are awesome! But I’m pretty bias now.

I know you all are super jealous of mine. (I call it “spot”)