In mythology and ancient literature throughout Greece, Europe and Asia, unicorns were depicted as powerful and fierce animals.

Their description varies by region and time-period, but unicorns typically galloped around on cloven hooves, while flicking away flies with a lion’s tail. Some of the more distinguished looking unicorns also sported a goat-like beard.

In Medieval times, it was noted that the only being capable of soothing the savage unicorn was a virgin.

I don’t know what it is about virgins, but they seem to be the cure for all kinds of things. Back in the day, I’m sure that these rumors were spread around to encourage naïve, young women to have sex as soon as possible, lest they get thrown into a volcano or used as unicorn bait.

Either way, when a unicorn approached a young virgin, he would immediately place his head on her lap and get lulled to sleep by her super-human virgin powers. Once the animal started snoring, hunters would come in and attack. As you can see, this was all very scientific stuff, and people believed it.

Hunters supposedly killed these rare unicorns for their milk and hides, both of which could be used as an aphrodisiac. This was especially useful for men wooing the few stubborn virgins who weren’t convinced that giving up their cherries would increase their lifespan.

Obviously nothing was more unique than a unicorn’s horn, which was said to neutralize any poison. You could chug a cocktail mixed with curare and walk away feeling refreshed, as long as you sipped it out of an authentic unicorn horn mug. These novelty cups didn’t come cheap, either, and who could deny the existence of these magical creatures when their parts were available at all the higher end boutiques?

Few people knew that the sharp spiral horns carefully placed in shop windows were actually narwhal tusks shipped over from the Arctic, and that the lumbering, hairy unicorns described by Marco Polo were really just rhinos. 

Unicorns have changed throughout the years, though. Nowadays we associate them with fluffy ponies that give rides to little girls while farting out sugary rainbows. But how did this major change happen?

Maybe they were sick of getting hunted down,  and as a last resort, the unicorns hatched a plan: Through extensive marketing, unicorns have managed to convince us that their body parts are useless, and better yet, don’t even exist. Not only that, but there is no longer pride associated in hunting down the modernized unicorn. These animals are now thought of as helpless, sweet, cuddly and sparkly. Unicorns are still enthralled with innocent young maidens, though, and because of this, have convinced little girls worldwide that they want nothing more than a ride on a magical unicorn.

None of this comes as a surprise since it was really just a matter of time before the entire human race was to be outwitted by an animal.

(The above comic was drawn by the incredibly talented Antonio Maldonado.)

While out at sea, sailors would occasionally come across a creature in the water that resembled a rather large women.  It was usually just a manatee (a.k.a sea-cow or dugong) swimming underneath the water, but it might have been a mermaid for all we know.

It may also have been wishful thinking by horny men stuck on board a ship for months at a time, surrounded by hundreds of other dudes sick with scurvy.

If mermaids did exist, there is no way they would look like skinny super models from the waist up. Early sailors were aware of this, and it makes sense that the 700 pound sea-cow would bear more resemblance to a mermaid than Ariel.

First of all, mermaids would need to be covered in an insulating layer of fat to handle the colder temperatures of the sea. Out of the water, a mermaid would jiggle around no less than a sea lion. Most fish and marine mammals share similar physical characteristics. It really wouldn’t be surprising if it really was a mermaid that sailors saw once in a while, and not a dugong. Everything looks the same underwater.

The skinny mermaids that sit on top of rocks and spend hours brushing their hair probably don’t have the energy to do anything else. A bony creature like that wouldn’t be able to survive long in the harsh ocean environment either. Maybe these mermaids were sick or just depressed? Perhaps dying mermaids ritualistically sat on rocks together and brushed their hair as part of some ultimate ceremony?

Some mermaids will call out to unsuspecting sailors who drown when they succumb to the womens’ hypnotizing singing voice. The stories say that mermaids do this out of spite or boredom. If you were depressed and had nothing to do but brush your hair on a rock, I’m sure you wouldn’t have the  best personality either. A depressed mermaid is a very scary thing. It all makes sense damnit!

This dugong could definitely pass as a mermaid-especially if you were seasick, drunk or looking at murky water. Photo Credit: Wiki Commons

Another myth I want to dispel here, is that mermaids will look the same out of the water. The fact is that they just aren’t built to handle the intense pressures of gravity. Imagine a jellyfish: Under the waves, they look incredibly graceful and move effortlessly, but when they wash up on shore, they look more like a pile of snot than anything else.

Same goes for merfolk: Without the support of water, these buxom beauties would just sag. Remember that fat floats. It is unlikely that any of these merpeople would want to be seen out of the water with gravity pulling on their breasts and rolls. (This obviously does not apply to the cursed mermaids on the rocks, mentioned previously.)

It is definitely interesting to look at different depictions of mermaids over the centuries, but it seems like artists had it right the first time. I personally find the larger versions of mermaids more appealing. They have more character and just seem more realistic to me.