Posts Tagged ‘monster’
Meet Our Employee of the Month
November 14th, 2009 
Seafoodpuncher 
Posted in Brain Farts 
Tags: drawing, illustration, illustrator, monster, octopus, squid, turnip, turnip brain, vector 
3 Comments »Bear With Sharks For Arms
August 15th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher Today’s drawing is badass, if I do say so myself! Alright, alright…I couldn’t have done it without the post by Chris Hoke. Here’s my favorite part:
If I were going to have a giant stone statue in my front yard, there’s no question which animal I’d choose: Griffin. Ever since I was a little boy.
“A griffin? Why?” my wife asked, as if she had to.
“It’s an eagle AND a lion. It’s the two kings of the animal world wrapped up in one neat little package. It’s a symbol of royalty, and, if they existed, they would be, unequivocally, the scariest thing on the planet. What’s more terrifying than a lion that can fly and tear you apart with it’s razor sharp beak?”
“A bear with sharks for arms,” she replied without missing a beat.
I thought about that for a moment and conceded the point.
“Touché, baby,” I said.
After reading that paragraph, my life had meaning again! I would draw this creature…the scariest thing on the planet. And I have to say, I’ve created something beautiful.
It brings tears to my eyes. Tears of FEAR!
Unfortunately, my friend Greg doesn’t tend to agree with me, and claims that the image below looks more like a perverted bear with his paws rammed up a couple of sharks’ asses- Sort of like a grizzly puppeteer.
Whatever! That’s an ESCALATED level of scary awesome! Who isn’t afraid of puppets?!
I don’t know why people don’t take me seriously.
Posted in Animalia, Brain Farts, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: bear, Brain Farts, cartoon, gargoyle, monster, shark, stone statue 4 Comments »Minotaur For a Roommate
January 8th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher 
Some people are just born lucky; they have a great family, a gorgeous place to live and end up with jobs that pay for the olympic sized pools in their backyards, (including all the ladies swimming in them). The Minotaur, like Medusa, wasn’t one of those people.
Minotaur’s story begins in Crete, where two spoiled princes were fighting over who would make the better King. One of these sons, named Minos,wanted the gods to make a bull walk out of the ocean as proof that even the higher powers were on his side. Poseidon, famed god of the sea, decided that the idea wasn’t so terrible and told Minos that he would create this marine bovine, but that it would have to be sacrificed back to him. OK, thought Minos, no problem.
As promised, a beautiful, white bull was spit out by the waves and it stood on the beach, muscles tense, in all of its glory. This studly beast was apparently too glorious to kill, and Minos decided to keep it instead. Minos would feed it and snuggle it and clean up after it and love it forever and ever. Poseidon was obviously pissed at Minos for not giving the precious bull back, and so Poseidon decided to take something from Minos in exchange.
Since Minos loved the bull so damn much, he wouldn’t miss his wife right? Poseidon worked his magic on the poor woman (aka Pasiphae) and she became infatuated with the bull, forgetting all about her husband. Poseidon knew how to play dirty too.
Unfortunately for Pasiphae, the strong feelings she had for the bull weren’t mutual, so she had to figure out a way to trick the animal into finding her attractive. Pasiphae quickly hired a famous architect to construct a hollow cow out of wood to entice the bull. Her plan was to sit inside the decoy in a romantic meadow with her ass hanging out so that the bull could have his way with her. Apparently it worked…because nine months later, the little baby minotaur was born!
Pasiphae raised the baby as her own for a few months. After all, it would be a shame to have had to squeeze out a massive baby with a bull’s head (those things have horns!), just to give him up in the end. Minos was obviously embarrassed by his wife’s escapades and ended up trapping the Minotaur in a massive labyrinth, where no one would see the abomination…I’m sure everyone was relieved though, because the Minotaur became really aggressive in his teens.
The story gets more complicated after that- with all kinds of family drama and godly interventions- but in the end, a young man named Theseus kills the Minotaur. Unfortunately, this is impossible, because I can say for a fact that my new roommate IS the Minotaur.
**********
His huge hoofs clack along the horrible linoleum floor of our rental at 4am almost every morning. Shoes do nothing to dull the noise, since his sharp little feet wear them down to nothing within hours.
Any man that big needs to be constantly fed too, which means that the slamming of kitchen cupboards never stops. I never knew what the diet of a Minotaur consisted of, but after his most recent trip to Costco I saw a massive crate of eggs, a tub of mayo, and a at least 50 cans of tuna line his shelf. The protein powder he adds to everything doesn’t help either.
Like most big, hairy men, he has a pretty bad temper, and when I confronted him about please keeping the unsuspecting virgins he brought over at night quiet…he just dismissed me with a snort and sauntered back up the stairs into his stinking den.
Times have changed for our poor Minotaur. Instead of hunting down unsuspecting children in a labyrinth to take out his aggression, he has to resort to playing online shooting games like Call of Duty, while resting his massive hind-quarters on this month’s dirty laundry.
I doubt that this lifestyle is satisfying for the animal. I can tell that he is stressed, since the trails of hair he leaves behind are a sure sign that things arn’t going well for the guy.
None of my friends come over, because the Minotaur’s sexual appetite is ravenous and his awkward questions scare all of the girls away. He speaks like a man, but occasionally the bovine part of the creature will break through, and he just stares right at your face for what seems like hours… unblinking, rolling a mess of tuna and mayo around in his mouth.
I really need my own place.
Posted in Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: bull, greek, house, legends, minotaur, monster, Mythology, myths, roommate, worst roommate ever 3 Comments »
Mermaids Are Fat
December 15th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher While out at sea, sailors would occasionally come across a creature in the water that resembled a rather large women. It was usually just a manatee (a.k.a sea-cow or dugong) swimming underneath the water, but it might have been a mermaid for all we know.
It may also have been wishful thinking by horny men stuck on board a ship for months at a time, surrounded by hundreds of other dudes sick with scurvy.
If mermaids did exist, there is no way they would look like skinny super models from the waist up. Early sailors were aware of this, and it makes sense that the 700 pound sea-cow would bear more resemblance to a mermaid than Ariel.
First of all, mermaids would need to be covered in an insulating layer of fat to handle the colder temperatures of the sea. Out of the water, a mermaid would jiggle around no less than a sea lion. Most fish and marine mammals share similar physical characteristics. It really wouldn’t be surprising if it really was a mermaid that sailors saw once in a while, and not a dugong. Everything looks the same underwater.
The skinny mermaids that sit on top of rocks and spend hours brushing their hair probably don’t have the energy to do anything else. A bony creature like that wouldn’t be able to survive long in the harsh ocean environment either. Maybe these mermaids were sick or just depressed? Perhaps dying mermaids ritualistically sat on rocks together and brushed their hair as part of some ultimate ceremony?
Some mermaids will call out to unsuspecting sailors who drown when they succumb to the womens’ hypnotizing singing voice. The stories say that mermaids do this out of spite or boredom. If you were depressed and had nothing to do but brush your hair on a rock, I’m sure you wouldn’t have the best personality either. A depressed mermaid is a very scary thing. It all makes sense damnit!
Another myth I want to dispel here, is that mermaids will look the same out of the water. The fact is that they just aren’t built to handle the intense pressures of gravity. Imagine a jellyfish: Under the waves, they look incredibly graceful and move effortlessly, but when they wash up on shore, they look more like a pile of snot than anything else.
Same goes for merfolk: Without the support of water, these buxom beauties would just sag. Remember that fat floats. It is unlikely that any of these merpeople would want to be seen out of the water with gravity pulling on their breasts and rolls. (This obviously does not apply to the cursed mermaids on the rocks, mentioned previously.)
It is definitely interesting to look at different depictions of mermaids over the centuries, but it seems like artists had it right the first time. I personally find the larger versions of mermaids more appealing. They have more character and just seem more realistic to me.
Posted in Animalia, Best of SFP, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: ariel, dugong, Funny, legend, merfolk, mermaid, mermaids, merpeople, monster, myth, ocean 3 Comments »Guest Blogger Mostromundo On Shyamalan’s ‘Signs’
December 13th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher Editor’s Note:
Mostromundo is a planet sized organism orbiting a modest black hole near the galactic core. He communicates with mankind mostly out of pity, and won’t reveal his exact location in the heavens because he’s worried you might stop by.
This character will occasionally contribute an article to seafoodpunch when he feels like it…in this case, he is a little behind, but when it comes to dealing with beings of the higher order, we have no choice but to accept whatever they have to offer.
****************************
’M. Night Shyamalan Taught Extraterrestrial Algebra; The Aliens from ‘Signs’ Weren’t Totally Dumb’
OK, so this is timely, right? Only 6 or 7 years since the movie came out, I figured I’d wait around and see if anyone else figured out why in the hell the aliens in ‘Signs’ were so pathetic.
And none of you did.
For shame, little mortals! It could not be clearer!
‘But why, oh Mostro, why would aliens smart enough to build starships bother coming all this way and fighting hand to hand when they get burned by liquid water?‘, you implore your grand and stately Worldbeast.
‘Why, if they’re strong enough to comfortably lift a pre-teen boy one-handed, can they not kick down pantry doors?’
Now now, do not fret my little creatures. Mostromundo is here. Your Worldbeast will shed light for you.
It is true, the alien soldiers showed interesting inconsistencies in terms of their strengths and weaknesses. If you were an army of hydrophobic space-thugs trying to topple a wet planet like Earth, it would be silly to set foot on the surface without some kind of protection. Your weakness would be exposed as soon as the screaming naked monkey-people peed on you in terror.
And yet, the force behind the invasion was obviously not stupid, after all, they’re better engineers than humans, you can barely get to the moon. Ha!
Notice that the soldiers actually were pretty stupid; they had trouble with locked doors and couldn’t be bothered with raincoats. They weren’t even wearing pants.
Conclusion? The soldiers were not the ones in charge of the operation.
‘So who was?’ you ask of your Mostro, ‘Al Qaeda?’
Yes, my little chickadees, ultimately that’s probably true, but below them in the chain of command is a race whose motives we know very little of. The only thing we can really deduce about them is that they wanted X number of human cadavers.
‘Why X number of cadavers?’ your little eyes full of awe, ‘Why not all the humans?’
Alas, even with a neural cortex only a little smaller than the moon you can barely get to, I must admit that I don’t exactly know. Perhaps the freezer was full? Perhaps an oversupply of lucky human foot keychains would drive prices down? Probably they didn’t have a hunting license and didn’t want to risk getting busted for overharvesting walking abalone (that’s what we call your kind out here).
The soldiers, in fact, were a manufactured race, built with a set of weaknesses that would allow humankind to repel them within a certain timeframe, and a set of strengths that would allow them to rampantly poach mankind within that timeframe.
I might point out that it doesn’t speak well of you that the primary weakness of the soldiers was water. Honestly, that’s a little embarrassing. Your species is so unimposing that they actually had to make the soldiers vulnerable to the material that you’re mostly made of.
Sigh. But do not worry on it, my pets. Your Mostro is still here for you.
With grudging affection from the Galactic Core,
Mostromundo
http://www.blogcatalog.com/directory/humor/observational-humor
Posted in Guest Posts, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: aliens, analysis, guest, M. Knight Shyamalan, monster, monstromundo, movie, movie analysis, review, sign, signs 2 Comments »Medusa – A Biography (I would be pissed too)
December 10th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher 
Medusa wasn’t always a spiteful lady with a hissing hairdo. Taking a closer look at what she had to deal with growing up explains why she turned ino the enraged monster most people have come to associate with the name.
Medusa was the daughter of Phorcys and Cetus. Cetus, Medusa’s mother, was a hideously ugly sea-monster and bore more resemblance to a fish full of raggedy teeth, than a woman. Medusa’s father, Phorcys was the infamous ‘Old-Man of the Sea’ with an apparent taste for ugly ladies. I doubt Medusa would ever want to be seen with either parent in public.
Medusa’s grandparents were a different story altogether. Her beautiful and voluptuous Grandmother, Gaia, gave birth to all of the Greek gods. She is as high up there as it gets, and the Greeks wouldn’t even swear in her name, unless they were really serious. You never, EVER cross Gaia.
This is also the where it gets weird: Before Gaia, there was nothing, but every lady wants a man in her life. So, this fruitful god of the gods had to give birth to a man to marry. This is how Medusa’s grandfather/Uncle, better known as Pontus- came into being. Pontus-wasn’t as ambitious as his wife/mom (and who would be with a family-history like that?). He was just happy being the sea-god that he was, busy contemplating how wrong it was to get it on with his mother to make more inbred children.
Medusa had all this to deal with, but you would think that she at least had some sort of special gift, since she was directly related to some of the most powerful gods out there, right? No! It sucked. And that would piss me off too. Out of her three sisters, she was the only mortal one with no real skills to speak of.
The one thing Medusa did have going for her, though, were her looks. She didn’t always have a head full of snakes. In fact, some stories claimed her to be drop-dead gorgeous. Every man who caught a glimpse of her, would start drooling and obsessively lust after her. This did get to Medusa’s head though, and she eventually became a snob, repeatedly insulting higher gods by proclaiming that nothing was really as impressive as her beauty.
Unfortunately, being as unlucky as she was, it was no surprise that Medusa’s beauty became her curse as well: Disgusted with Medusa’s vanity, the goddess Athena turned her into the creature that men came to fear instead of lust after. Not only was Medusa’s long shiny hair turned into a pile of writhing snakes, but any man who approached her would turn into stone (and not in a good way, like they did before).
The more complicated version of the story involves Poseidon, who just couldn’t help himself after seeing the gorgeous Medusa, and proceeded to rape her in Athena’s temple (this was a major insult to the virgin Athena and her reaction can be described as nothing more than extreme). In a way, Athena took away the one thing Medusa had going for her. Now a monster, it was all downhill for Medusa from there.
Perseus eventually beheaded Medusa and was proclaimed a hero. His statue, with Medusa’s head held high by his muscular hand, stands tall in many cities. But I always feel sorry for the headless body lying underneath him who hadn’t seen a good hair day in centuries.
In my opinion, the most horrifying thing in the whole story happened after Medusa’s beheading: After getting her head lopped off and it rolled onto the ground, Medusa gave birth to two HUGE babies (they supposidly sprang out of her bloody neck.) One of her kids was Pegasus-a winged horse-and the other a handsome man-Chrysaor. Chrysaor established himself as a hero and eventually had a cute three headed baby of his own.
Poor Medusa. You would be grumpy too if you had to carry around a pair of twins that weigh more than a volkwagon and anyone who came around to help turned into a useless statue.
Medusa really did have a hard life and kudos to her for handling herself so well in a fight, pregnant with a horse and a giant. Hopefully, during times like family game night, Chrysaor told his own three headed offspring what a courageous grandmother he had.
Posted in Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: cetus, Gaia, greek, Greek mythology, Medusa, monster, Mythology, pegasus, phorcys, pontus, story 3 Comments »Dream of Passionate Vampire Love Making? I’ve Got Bad News…
December 3rd, 2008 Seafoodpuncher 
Vampire novels seem to be the latest craze. Sure, Anne Rice novels were incredibly popular way back when, but those books are nothing compared to the Twilight Series. This badly written phenomenon has caused both teens, moms and the occasional confused hetero male to read about the sexy teenage vampire’s escapades with the supposedly ordinary girl, Bella.
Ok, I read the book cover to cover…I will say that I thought it was a fun read and may even recommend it to people who I won’t see again.
But my only thought at the end of this book-after reading about Edward’s vampire cravings, and Bella’s fascination with her new boyfriend-was “do vampires get erections?” ( I ask this as a scientist!) I didn’t think about the plot, the story, the cover, or the characters. I just begged the answer to that question. This book is a young adult novel too, by the way, which means the only thing described is a peck on the cheek or whisper in the ear…
Lets think about it: Vampires need blood to sustain themselves. They can survive eons without feeding and there cant be anything but dust coursing through their veins after a century long nap. You need blood to get an erection. So how would it work? Can a vampire even get an erection without the urge to feed frantically, since what little reserves he has are making their way to his nether-regions? And what would even come out of that nuggetpouch besides puffs of smoke?
Actually, I just had another thought: If a vampire doesnt have a heartbeat, then how the hell does blood go anywhere? This would be a great thesis paper, by the way.
After careful research at sites like “I heart vampires”, I found out that apparently after “turning” (which basically means you get cramps and expell all kinds of stuff from your system, turn pale and grow fangs) vampires can father a child for a year. In Twilight, edward is around 80, so either he got lucky, or someone didn’t pay attention in vampire biology class.
As for female vampires, I’m not sure they could support a baby. Its something that I’d rather not think about. Just like I don’t like thinking about what’s in a hot dog.
Maybe vampires have evolved as proud owners of tiny peckers that only need a few drops before they can say howdy-do…but I’ve been proven wrong before.
Note: This post is dedicated to some special people I work with. You know who you are.
