Posts Tagged ‘legend’

Pumpkins are Jacked

October 31st, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

candle mouthEver try to carve out a turnip?

Well, let me explain the process to you: it SUCKS.

Thank god we’ve got pumpkins these days.

The Irish started the whole practice of carving out their vegetables to keep away evil spirits. I’m assuming most spirits scoffed at the carved potatoes and turnips that lined Irish windowsills.

So as soon as the Irish arrived in the U.S, they gave up on these laughable veggies and turned to the big, orange pumpkins that were prevalent in the country.

A huge, carved pumpkin with its eerie smile and glowing eyes is a definite improvement over a saggy little turnip.

I like the legend behind the whole tradition too…Maybe because the main character is a drunk.

Here it goes:

Jack, like many Irish, enjoyed getting shitfaced on a regular basis and was known around town as a conniving, manipulative, silver-tongued asshole.turnips are pretty cute

Even the devil was jealous of his antics.

The devil put a few things on hold and decided to meet up with Jack to see if the rumors of all his shenanigans were true.

The devil knows that people tend to exaggerate and he likes getting his facts straight.

Jack knew he was in for some trouble when Lucifer showed up one day. He thought he was going straight to hell…after all, it was only a matter of time…

But he just wanted a few drinks first. The devil obliged and proceeded to watch Jack put away an exorbitant amount of alcohol…and then some more.

You definitely don’t want to end up in hell sober right?

When Jack was finally done with his binge drinking, the cocky SOB asked the devil to pick up the tab.

Needless to say, the devil was impressed.

Jack convinced the devil to turn into a silver coin to pay for the drinks but much to big red’s surprise, after the transformation was complete, Jack slipped the devil-coin into his pocket next to a silver cross he had stashed away in there.

Tturnip jumphe devil was forced to leave Jack’s soul alone for the next 10 years in exchange for not spending another minute in Jack’s nasty, sweaty pocket..

So 10 lazy, boozing years go by for Jack and the devil appears (as agreed) to take the jerk to the underworld. Jack convinces the devil to do him one more favor, though:

This time he wants an apple.

The devil didn’t want to turn the request down. I guess maybe satan has a special place in his heart for offering people fruit? Or he likes to humor people. Or he is just ridiculously naïve. Who knows…

Either way, the devil found himself climbing up an apple tree to get Jack his fruit when the man quickly carved a crucifix into the tree’s trunk. The devil was stuck again.

The Devil disgustingly promised Jack that his soul was off the hook for another 10 years in exchange for his freedom.

Alright…so Jack’s lifestyle wasn’t the healthiest and it was no surprise that he died soon after the deal was struck. God didn’t want to lower the value of his real estate and wouldn’t let Jack into the neighborhood. The devil was still pissed at Jack for making an ass out him. He wouldn’t take the guy either. Not only that, but He’d promised not to claim his soul.

So the devil sent jack off into the night with nothing but a burning coal to light the way. Jack put the coal in a freaking turnip and has been wandering around ever since.

He became known as Jack of the Lantern and eventually Jack o’Lantern.

Anyway, the point I was trying to make here is that turnips suck.

pumpkins hate us

Posted in Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , , No Comments »
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cute chubby mermaid

Mermaids Are Fat

December 15th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

While out at sea, sailors would occasionally come across a creature in the water that resembled a rather large women.  It was usually just a manatee (a.k.a sea-cow or dugong) swimming underneath the water, but it might have been a mermaid for all we know.

It may also have been wishful thinking by horny men stuck on board a ship for months at a time, surrounded by hundreds of other dudes sick with scurvy.

If mermaids did exist, there is no way they would look like skinny super models from the waist up. Early sailors were aware of this, and it makes sense that the 700 pound sea-cow would bear more resemblance to a mermaid than Ariel.

First of all, mermaids would need to be covered in an insulating layer of fat to handle the colder temperatures of the sea. Out of the water, a mermaid would jiggle around no less than a sea lion. Most fish and marine mammals share similar physical characteristics. It really wouldn’t be surprising if it really was a mermaid that sailors saw once in a while, and not a dugong. Everything looks the same underwater.

The skinny mermaids that sit on top of rocks and spend hours brushing their hair probably don’t have the energy to do anything else. A bony creature like that wouldn’t be able to survive long in the harsh ocean environment either. Maybe these mermaids were sick or just depressed? Perhaps dying mermaids ritualistically sat on rocks together and brushed their hair as part of some ultimate ceremony?

Some mermaids will call out to unsuspecting sailors who drown when they succumb to the womens’ hypnotizing singing voice. The stories say that mermaids do this out of spite or boredom. If you were depressed and had nothing to do but brush your hair on a rock, I’m sure you wouldn’t have the  best personality either. A depressed mermaid is a very scary thing. It all makes sense damnit!

Another myth I want to dispel here, is that mermaids will look the same out of the water. The fact is that they just aren’t built to handle the intense pressures of gravity. Imagine a jellyfish: Under the waves, they look incredibly graceful and move effortlessly, but when they wash up on shore, they look more like a pile of snot than anything else.

Same goes for merfolk: Without the support of water, these buxom beauties would just sag. Remember that fat floats. It is unlikely that any of these merpeople would want to be seen out of the water with gravity pulling on their breasts and rolls. (This obviously does not apply to the cursed mermaids on the rocks, mentioned previously.)

It is definitely interesting to look at different depictions of mermaids over the centuries, but it seems like artists had it right the first time. I personally find the larger versions of mermaids more appealing. They have more character and just seem more realistic to me.

Posted in Animalia, Best of SFP, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , , , , , 3 Comments »
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