Not only does October have the same first two syllables as “octopus” (most awesome cephalopod ever), but it’s a month that I associate with all of those beautiful fall colors…

And I’m not talking about autumn leaves here…

I’m talkin’ bout’ CANDIES! Heeeey-ooooo!!!

Bountiful, tooth rotting, crinkly, crispy, crunchy, chocolaty, sweet, colorful, candies.

I’m sure Halloween is one of the many holidays keeping dentists in business, but celebrating ‘All Hollow’s Eve’ right is definitely worth it.

I know there are still 30 days to go, but I’ve been bombarded with Halloween costumes, decorations, fake spider webs and candy corn for about three freaking MONTHS. So I’m definitely on Halloween overdrive.

And don’t even get me started on Christmas. Christmas decorations are all over the place too. It’s just a little ironic that the holiday aisles at all the stores have Frankenstein masks and bobble-head devil statues lined up next to Santa Clauses and baby Jesuses.

But Halloween is sort of a religious event too. Both the Catholic Church and Celts have influenced the holiday:

Celts believed that on the night of October 31^st, when the barrier between the world of the living and the dead disintegrated, spirits of the deceased would lurk around searching for bodies to possess.

Naturally, these spirits would go after the better looking bodies (wouldn’t you if given the choice?) and so, if you were smart, you’d dress up as a gross, foul monster that no spirit would ever want to possess.

If a 5^th century Celt were to witness today’s version of a Halloween party with all the drunk chicks wiggling their asses while stomping on tables like drunken sailors doing a bad version of the Riverdance…they would see it as proof of demonic possession.

So…the lesson to be learned here is that dressing up as a sexy cop is definitely not a good idea.

Though, it it may be interesting to note that Celts did believe that being noisy helped scare off all the dead spirits more used to the quiet lifestyle associated with being buried underground.  

The tradition of asking for sweet handouts had nothing to do with the Celts, though. We have 9^th century European Christians to thank for that:

On November 2^nd, a.k.a ‘All Souls Day’, early Christians would walk from door to door asking for “soul cakes”. The amount of cake given to the beggars was directly related to the number of prayers said on behalf of the home’s dead relatives.

Nowadays, instead of soul cakes made from bread and currants, people hand out mounds of pixie sticks and fruit roll-ups. And instead of worrying about deceased family members, people just pray that their homes remain TP free.

Now I just have to figure out what I want to dress up as…and I’ll be as noisy as possible just to play it safe. It’s pretty obvious that spirits are already lining up to try and possess THIS body.

Wait…what? They’re not???

…

Maybe I’m more of a Christmas person, after all.

Click To Enlarge

How America Ruined It All:

Americans don’t like morbid stories: Just like they changed up the Brothers Grimm, getting rid of all the gore, they also changed Santa Claus to make him less frightening. America needs to censor everything, and just look where that got us: We have a morbidly obese Santa who eats all of our cookies and reindeer that poop on our roofs , while we have to read our kids boring fairy tales missing all the good parts.

America’s Classic Santa:

Santa Claus; Sitting on his lap strikes an untold fear in many a baby (just look at that horror stricken kid in the photo…its hilarious). His boisterous laugh-the infamous ‘HO HO HO’-warms the hearts of children and is cause for countless prostitute jokes.

His face, with the rosy red cheeks and immense fluffy white beard, seems to smile back at you from every other TV commercial, every Christmas mug and every soda can during the holiday months (which, I might add, seem to start earlier every year…Christmas music in October? Come ON).

This jolly man, who shimmies down your chimney to deliver gifts and spread the joy of christmas, can do no wrong. Even when he succumbs to the body’s necessities, he leaves behind nothing but the pleasant aroma of minty fresh candy cane!

A man like this is probably too good to be true. But Santa really does exist. Well, he DID… Take away about 200 pounds, add some color to the paper-white skin and turn the clock back to the 4th century and you’ll find yourself face to face with the man who started the whole tradition: Saint Nicholas of Myra.

The Saint’s Story:

The Saint changed the lives of many with the gifts he selflessly gave to the poor in a small Turkish province. What made Nicholas famous, though, were the dowries he gave to three daughters who were so desperate for money that they’d been throwing the idea around of becoming prostitutes. At the time, it was the only way for a woman to make some money quickly. (maybe that’s where the “HO HO HO” comes in? )

The Legend:

After his death, the legend lived on: St. Nicholas soon took the form of a man delivering presents to all the children in the world. But there is a darker side to the story, as well. In the original stories, Santa had sinister travelling companions, whose duty it was to schlep all the toys around and punish unruly children. These stories haven’t changed much in Europe.

The more famous of his companions are the servant Ruprecht-a farmboy who Nicholas rescued-and the demon Krampus. Krampus is the interesting one and is usually portrayed as a horned, imp-like devil, covered in goat hair and with a thrashing tail. He is in charge of giving naughty kids a present, while Santa spends his time rewarding the more deserving kids. Sometimes Krampus’ precious gift was a beating, whipping, a long trip in a small sack or even death, depending on how naughty the kid actually was. Definitely the gift that keeps on giving!

Some parents will still give naughty kids a stick-one of Ruprecht’s favorite beating tools- as a warning during the holidays. I don’t know where the American tradition of coal comes in, but I don’t want to be a part of that BBQ.

This folklore is especially popular in Germanic countries where people show their Christmas spirit by putting on the scary Krampus costume and prancing around town. Hey, they don’t celebrate Halloween there, so this is a way to mix it up a little.

The French have a pretty morbid story too (typical): In France, Nich’s servant goes by the name, Père Fouettard (the whipfather), and was standing over the three children he fiendishly massacred when St. Nicholas found him. St. Nicholas, nice guy that he was, brought the kids back to life and enlisted Pere as his helper to whip the naughty kids.

**********

American kids turn into savage little beasts when Christmas time comes around and at this point, not even the threat of a Krampus can set them straight, all we can tell them is that we’ll force them to take a photo with Santa if they don’t behave.

Happy Holidays!