Posts Tagged ‘History’

All You Need To Do Is Blow

November 5th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

look at them goThere isn’t a more versatile piece of plastic than a balloon.

With just a 25 cent piece of flabby plastic you (and your friends) can have an AMAZING time. You don’t even have to blow the thing up to start in on the fun:

Use it as a finger puppet.

Use it to exercise those lungs during an anxiety attack.

Blow it up and let it loose under the dinner table as a way to break up the awkward silence. “Pthth … pthththththtth … pth … pth…”  Instant conversation!!

If you’re in desperate need for some cash, Nigerian drug lords pay big money for you to swallow a few dozen balloons full of cocaine (BYOBalloons).

I mean, why not make some its happy because it doesnt know it'll pop soonmoney while you’re on vacation?

The options are endless.

Actual latex balloons didn’t exist till the 1800s. Since then, balloons have made lucrative careers in the balloon swallowing or sculpting industry a reality.

I’m glad we live in an age with latex, though. I don’t know how much fun it would have been to blow up 50 pig or cat bladders for my friend’s birthday.

Stretchy animal bladders and intestines were the preferred materials when it came to inflatables back in the day.

its a bird...its a plane....its a cat....On a side note, animal intestines were also used when it came to your own, personal inflatable device. Thankfully we are now given a whole array of sizes, colors and flavors to choose from when it comes to picking out a latex love-glove for our thrill drill (aka trouser trout, purple headed soldier, pink oboe,  gristle missile etc.)

This is definitely a step up from the more traditional choice of sheep intestine.

People have loved balloons for centuries. The Aztecs even made balloons out of people parts because the gods NEEDED balloons to be happy.

Cats where the preferred material used for balloons at first…apparently there was no better balloon making material out there than the occasional feline.

But when cats became scarce because of a disease, the Aztecs decided to turn to people. There were always plenty of those running around.

Their god expected damned balloons at their party! What’s a sacrifice without balloons?!! It just couldn’t be taken seriously without the ritualistic inflated intestines (whether it be human or feline) twisted into the shape of a donkey.

This donkey shaped, people intestine, balloon animal would then get ceremoniously carried to the top of the highest Aztec pyramid and burned in honor of the sun god.

I’m sure the Aztec kids aspired to becoming balloon donkeys when they grew up.

fun toys for your kids

Posted in Animalia, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , 2 Comments »
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Candy Against Evil

October 2nd, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

candied apple fearOctober is my favorite month!

Not only does October have the same first two syllables as “octopus” (most awesome cephalopod ever), but it’s a month that I associate with all of those beautiful fall colors…

And I’m not talking about autumn leaves here…

I’m talkin’ bout’ CANDIES! Heeeey-ooooo!!!

Bountiful, tooth rotting, crinkly, crispy, crunchy, chocolaty, sweet, colorful, candies.

I’m sure Halloween is one of the many holidays keeping dentists in business, but celebrating ‘All Hollow’s Eve’ right is definitely worth it.

I know there are still 30 days to go, but I’ve been bombarded with Halloween costumes, decorations, fake spider webs and candy corn for about three freaking MONTHS. So I’m definitely on Halloween overdrive.

And don’t even get me started on Christmas. Christmas decorations are all over the place too. It’s just a little ironic that the holiday aisles at all the stores have Frankenstein masks and bobble-head devil statues lined up next to Santa Clauses and baby Jesuses.

But Halloween is sort of a religious event too. Both the Catholic Church and Celts have influenced the holiday:

Celts believed that on the night of October 31st, when the barrier between the world of the living and the dead disintegrated, spirits of the deceased would lurk around searching for bodies to possess.

snobby ghostNaturally, these spirits would go after the better looking bodies (wouldn’t you if given the choice?) and so, if you were smart, you’d dress up as a gross, foul monster that no spirit would ever want to possess.

If a 5th century Celt were to witness today’s version of a Halloween party with all the drunk chicks wiggling their asses while stomping on tables like drunken sailors doing a bad version of the Riverdance…they would see it as proof of demonic possession.

So…the lesson to be learned here is that dressing up as a sexy cop is definitely not a good idea.

Though, it it may be interesting to note that Celts did believe that being noisy helped scare off all the dead spirits more used to the quiet lifestyle associated with being buried underground.  

The tradition of asking for sweet handouts had nothing to do with the Celts, though. We have 9th century European Christians to thank for that:

On November 2nd, a.k.a ‘All Souls Day’, early Christians would walk from door to door asking for “soul cakes”. The amount of cake given to the beggars was directly related to the number of prayers said on behalf of the home’s dead relatives.

Nowadays, instead of soul cakes made from bread and currants, people hand out mounds of pixie sticks and fruit roll-ups. And instead of worrying about deceased family members, people just pray that their homes remain TP free.

Now I just have to figure out what I want to dress up as…and I’ll be as noisy as possible just to play it safe. It’s pretty obvious that spirits are already lining up to try and possess THIS body.

Wait…what? They’re not???

…

Maybe I’m more of a Christmas person, after all.

Being a midget has its benefits

Posted in Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , , , No Comments »
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Bellybuttons Mean Trouble

May 19th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

Lint Needs a Home TooThe eye is always drawn to that obnoxious lint-greedy hole (aka the bellybutton) sticking out in the middle of your gut. It just sits there…waiting…watching… and causing unnecessary drama in all of our lives.

I remember drawing a bug-eyed dog for someone’s little brother years ago. He was happy until I added a little splotch right on the dog’s gut. I always found belly buttons funny. The kid didn’t see any humor in the little dot and immediately gave me a shocked look. This bellybutton…this hand-drawn, barely visible, little DOT… made him incredibly uncomfortable. Iguarantee that he would’ve been less upset if I’d drawn his mom giving a bellybutton free dog a  lap-dance.

The navel definitely causes a lot of controversy: We all know that a bellybutton forms from a baby’s umbilical cord.  You need a mom to get one…so what about Adam and Eve? Adam definitely didn’t come to this earth via the traditional method so what does that mean? He wasn’t born, but created…does that mean he didn’t get a navel?

Many artists avoided this issue altogether by strategically hiding Adam’s belly button behind a leaf or tree branch. Michelangelo was one of the braver artists though, and he had the balls to paint Adam blessed with a navel right on the roof of the Sistine Chapel for everyone to see…including the Pope. Some people are still pissed about that.

(Even later, in the 1940′s, the U.S House Military Committee refused to hand out a booklet to American soldiers because it had illustrations showing Adam and Eve with a navel. It’s just art for crying out loud!)

The bellybutton has also made a name for itself as a sex symbol, albeit an occasionally stinky and linty one. Ever watch the show “I Dream of Jeannie” with the cute little genie granting random wishes? I always imagine a genie wearing loose MC Hammer style pants hanging on the waistline and a bikini top to match. The bellybutton should just come with the outfit. But in the 60′s hit “I Dream of Jeannie” the navel was never revealed. Censors wouldn’t have it. God knows what would have happened to the country if families were allowed to watch a sexy lady live with an unmarried man AND see her navel too??! It would have caused riots.

The bellybutton has definitely been though a lot in the past 500 years. I guess I should just be happy to have one of those sassy buttons (two would definitely be too much, though).

The Modern Man

Posted in Health & Fashion, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , No Comments »
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Quetzalcoatl’s Beans

March 2nd, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

 

promoting diabetes everywhereI’m not a religious person, but the idea of a god showing up on earth to enrich our lives with candy is one thing I can wholeheartedly believe in.

The deity in question, Quetzalcoatl (we’ll call him QT for short), wasn’t much of a looker; bearing strong resemblance to a snake that had been tarred and feathered.

I’m not sure why QT decided to fly down to earth on the beam of a morning star to deliver a cacao tree stolen from paradise, but that is exactly what he did. Fortunately, the frothy drinks made from the holy cacao beans, made it easier for the locals to forget their fear of the giant snake-bird-thing and QT was revered despite his looks.

The other gods looking down from paradise were a condescending bunch who believed that they were the only beings worthy of consuming anything as fantabulous as cacao. I imagine that they had gotten used to spending most of their time sipping the sweet, hot elixir while giggling and gossiping over the most recent heavenly events, occasionally sneaking quick glances at QT curled up in the corner.

QT probably didn’t fit into this heavenly clique and may have even been shunned because of his looks. Fed up with his life as an outcast, he dug up what he thought to be an excellent present and headed down to the hopefully more accepting human race.

We can all relate, since even today, chocolate is delivered by enamored men in the hopes that the desired female (or male…I don’t judge) will accept them regardless of any shortcomings.

The other gods were understandably infuriated. QT had given up one of the things that set them apart from mortals and so they kicked QT out of paradise for good. The jealous deities came to regret their decision as QT made a place for himself amongst the Mayans and Aztec communities as a symbol of death, resurrection, and of course, agriculture. everyone-wants-some-beansThe other gods were left to suck down their cacao in silence, with nothing to make fun of.

Everyone wanted some of QT’s cacao beans. They became so popular that they were used as currency by the Mayans and a form of tax collected by the Aztecs. Just 10 beans would get you a bit of funtime with a prostitute while a slave would sell for around 100 beans. Unfortunately, cacao beans weren’t the hardest thing to counterfeit and fake clay beans eventually made their way into the system.

It got even worse once Cortez marched into town, took over the Aztec capital and sailed back to Spain with his ships loaded down with millions of cacao beans. After that, a prostitute cost about 30 beans, thanks to inflation.

 

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As a sign of appreciation for the great gift of cacao, the occasional animal used to get sacrificed in QT’s honor. Unfortunately, we live in a time where people frown upon the eccentric chocolate-lover decapitating or microwaving an animal in QT’s honor. So how do we show our appreciation for the heavenly gift of cacao today?   Well, like most things in life, bacon is the answer. The perfect compromise comes in the form of the bacon infused chocolate bar: The occasional pig gets slaughtered (*bow* thank you Quetzalcoatl, sacrificial pig turns into bacon *bow*) but its meat is incorporated into the chocolate instead of rotting away on an altar.

Maybe we should be thanking QT a little more by going out and buying more of those bacon chocolate bars since the cacao bean is currently suffering. QT must be feeling a little under appreciated, or it could be global warming. Either way, within 20 years chocolate will supposedly cost as much as caviar because, for one reason or another, the worlds cacao plants are getting depressed and giving up on life. We need to do something! But until then, my going rate remains 500 beans (450 if you throw in some bacon).

chocolate-loves-bacon

Posted in Food, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , , 6 Comments »
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featured-crabs

Crabs Have It Rough-Stop Waxing ASAP

February 23rd, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

Do you ever wonder why they’re two different species of lice (i.e. the head louse and crab louse) crawling around our bodies when it makes more sense to just get harassed by one friggin kind of louse?

No?

Maybe it’s just me then…

*Googling*

AHA! I knew it! Basically, we have gorillas to thank for the crabs that have crawled their way through our pants and into our hearts.

We acquired the crab louse from gorillas several million years ago.  And hey, before you let your mind wander to a night of  savage jungle love, let me make it clear that sex with a gorilla was probably not how the inter-species louse transfer happened (especially since a gorilla’s penis is a measly 4cm long…that’s a quarter of an INCH, people!…don’t ask me how I know).

Back in the day, the nests left behind by gorillas were as comfortable as any bed, even if they were full of lice, while the occasional gorillas may have been butchered and eaten when our ancestors were in the mood for some ape-leg. These activities left our bodies exposed to the hungry vermin.

louse loves youPeople were pretty hairy back then, and the oblivious crab louse hitching a ride probably didn’t really know the difference between prehistoric humans and gorillas. Later on, as humans began losing their hair, the poor crab lice were forced to keep moving south as their habitats became smaller and smaller.

Crab lice will use their little claws to hang onto your towels, bed sheets, clothes and closets in addition to your pubes…just waiting for their chance to move to wider and hairier pastures. If a crab louse is lucky enough to infest someone hairy, then a scruffy beard, fuzzy armpit or shaggy stomach is also prime real estate; perfect for raising a cute crabby family.

But not all lice are that lucky: On the younger human kids that are generally hairless, crab lice have to resort to living in the crowded eyelash area until some decent pubes have finally started sprouting down below.

Crabs don’t have it easy! They made the choice to crawl over to people, leaving the hairy suburbia offered by gorillas behind.

These poor lice definitely traded down.

Now, as we wax and pluck the hair that nature left us with, the crab louse has become somewhat of an endangered species. (You can’ help but feel sorry for the little pests. After all, we share years of family history!)

If you have a decent area to house a family of crabs why not adopt some of these little guys from this WEBSITE. (However, take note that we do not promote the use of crabs as revenge…unless they are used on a roommate that has made your life a living hell. Just make sure to move out first.)

crabs

Posted in Animalia, Best of SFP Tags: , , , , , , , , 10 Comments »
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Saint Nicholas: The Stuff A Kid’s Nightmares Are Made Of

December 19th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

How America Ruined It All:

Americans don’t like morbid stories: Just like they changed up the Brothers Grimm, getting rid of all the gore, they also changed Santa Claus to make him less frightening. America needs to censor everything, and just look where that got us: We have a morbidly obese Santa who eats all of our cookies and reindeer that poop on our roofs , while we have to read our kids boring fairy tales missing all the good parts.

America’s Classic Santa:

Santa Claus; Sitting on his lap strikes an untold fear in many a baby (just look at that horror stricken kid in the photo…its hilarious). His boisterous laugh-the infamous ‘HO HO HO’-warms the hearts of children and is cause for countless prostitute jokes.

His face, with the rosy red cheeks and immense fluffy white beard, seems to smile back at you from every other TV commercial, every Christmas mug and every soda can during the holiday months (which, I might add, seem to start earlier every year…Christmas music in October? Come ON).

This jolly man, who shimmies down your chimney to deliver gifts and spread the joy of christmas, can do no wrong. Even when he succumbs to the body’s necessities, he leaves behind nothing but the pleasant aroma of minty fresh candy cane!

A man like this is probably too good to be true. But Santa really does exist. Well, he DID… Take away about 200 pounds, add some color to the paper-white skin and turn the clock back to the 4th century and you’ll find yourself face to face with the man who started the whole tradition: Saint Nicholas of Myra.

The Saint’s Story:

The Saint changed the lives of many with the gifts he selflessly gave to the poor in a small Turkish province. What made Nicholas famous, though, were the dowries he gave to three daughters who were so desperate for money that they’d been throwing the idea around of becoming prostitutes. At the time, it was the only way for a woman to make some money quickly. (maybe that’s where the “HO HO HO” comes in? )

The Legend:

After his death, the legend lived on: St. Nicholas soon took the form of a man delivering presents to all the children in the world. But there is a darker side to the story, as well. In the original stories, Santa had sinister travelling companions, whose duty it was to schlep all the toys around and punish unruly children. These stories haven’t changed much in Europe.

The more famous of his companions are the servant Ruprecht-a farmboy who Nicholas rescued-and the demon Krampus. Krampus is the interesting one and is usually portrayed as a horned, imp-like devil, covered in goat hair and with a thrashing tail. He is in charge of giving naughty kids a present, while Santa spends his time rewarding the more deserving kids. Sometimes Krampus’ precious gift was a beating, whipping, a long trip in a small sack or even death, depending on how naughty the kid actually was. Definitely the gift that keeps on giving!

Some parents will still give naughty kids a stick-one of Ruprecht’s favorite beating tools- as a warning during the holidays. I don’t know where the American tradition of coal comes in, but I don’t want to be a part of that BBQ.

This folklore is especially popular in Germanic countries where people show their Christmas spirit by putting on the scary Krampus costume and prancing around town. Hey, they don’t celebrate Halloween there, so this is a way to mix it up a little.

The French have a pretty morbid story too (typical): In France, Nich’s servant goes by the name, Père Fouettard (the whipfather), and was standing over the three children he fiendishly massacred when St. Nicholas found him. St. Nicholas, nice guy that he was, brought the kids back to life and enlisted Pere as his helper to whip the naughty kids.

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American kids turn into savage little beasts when Christmas time comes around and at this point, not even the threat of a Krampus can set them straight, all we can tell them is that we’ll force them to take a photo with Santa if they don’t behave.

Happy Holidays!

Posted in Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment »
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Foot Binding Isn’t All That

December 4th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

Most four year olds just want to play with their toys, run around making as much noise as possible and maybe harass their parents after watching a commercial about the newest kind of McNugget. Getting their toenails cut down to nothing, and then having their toes broken isn’t really something on a kid’s priority list, but this is exactly what happens when it comes time for a girl to start beautifying her feet in 10th century China.

Basically, each toe gets ceremoniously broken, then a 10 foot long bandage is wrapped around the toes which are pulled as far back into the heel as possible. Sound fun?! Good, because its not over! These events would repeat themselves every 2 days with the bandages getting pulled in tighter and tighter. But it’s not all bad. This tradition typically happened in the winter when feet were numb with cold anyway.

This foot-binding trend continued for a thousand years (till the 20th century) and some older women are still seen with their undersized feet carefully bound and hidden away in tiny size 0 shoes that wouldn’t even fit over my big toe. Obviously, tiny pointy pixy feet that force their owners to shuffle around painfully on their heels (also known as the lotus gait) were quite popular. (I really want to know what kind of sadistic person thought of the idea, by the way)

In fact, the Qing Dynasty has a few sex novels that describe almost 50 ways to erotically play with a lucky lady’s bound feet. Of course, the bound feet have to stay in the colorful pointy lotus blossom shoes, because underneath that pretty cloth shell is a stinky rotting foot that would pretty much ruin the moment. When exposed to fresh air I’m sure the foot would explode into a green cloud of foot fungus and stink (bound feet had crevices impossible to clean).

My feet are so damn big.  Size 9.5 would have been considered an abomination in China, I’m sure.

Nowadays high heels are the the modernized version of the pain-for-beauty concept when it comes to feet. High heels were originally designed for riding a horse (NOT to walk around), so the foot would angle forward and not fall out of the stirrup. You didnt WALK on the heel, you’d get carried around while wearing them…and rightfully so because walking on heels is a pain in the ass and everywhere else too, for that matter (but they sure do look good).

Posted in Health & Fashion Tags: , , , , , , , , , 4 Comments »
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Pickles Are Awesome

December 3rd, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

Pickles are an amazing food. You can pickle pretty much anything: turnips, eggplant, asparagus, artichokes, your stepmother…But it’s hard to beat the tart crunch of the good ol’ fashioned pickled cucumber.

Pickles even save lives: Columbus’s ships were stocked full of these gerkins so the crew wouldn’t die of scurvy.

Do you know what that means??!! America may not have been discovered were it not for the humble pickle! Screw Columbus Day! Where is Pickle Day??!!!

Pickling things also improves their nutritional value: It’s been proven that Kimchi-pickled cabbage-has twice as many B vitamins and twice as much niacin (it sounds like a poison, but its good stuff) as the boring vegetable found in the produce isles.

And if your kid wants some ice cream on a hot day, why not suggest a nice cold Pickle Pop (photo left) Instead? I’m sure they will love you even more … or kick you in the shin. Either way, it sounds like family bonding time.

If you’re not worried about scurvy, you can celebrate with a few drinks. Had too many? Guess what!? Pickles cure hangovers too! Holy crap!! Pickle usages are endless!

Pickling has gone on for thousands of years to ensure that food was always available. Historians believe that the first pickle came to be about 3000 years ago. I bet some genius decided to put cucumbers in saltwater and let them sit out in the blazing sun for a few hours as part of an elaborate hazing ritual.   After that, the world became a better place.

Screw fresh vegetables…bring on the pickling!

Pickles are so fantabulous that they even have plastic yodeling versions for sale HERE , just to remind you how much better your life is with a yodeling pickle in hand.

Posted in Food Tags: , , , , , , 5 Comments »
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