Posts Tagged ‘gross’

Maggot Picassos

April 19th, 2010 Seafoodpuncher

I have nothing against art (except my own).

But when people line up in droves, fighting you for a peek at “maggot art”, you know that society has taken a turn for the worst.

It doesn’t take a special maggot to create a masterpiece, just one with enough energy to make it across a canvas.

I never thought that maggots would be taking jobs away from the rest of us. They’ve already proven to be better doctors at dealing with hard-to-heal wounds:  When the general surgeon is stumped by a festering sore that  has no chance of improving, maggots get thrown into the mix to save the day. They make sure to meticulously remove all dead cells while keeping healthy tissue intact. Maggots are capable of so much…and they don’t even have opposable thumbs…or even hands for that matter.

These chubby little worms promote healing, disinfect wounds and are willing to give doctors all the credit.

Who knew that a maggot was such a mensch?

The hospital is a fairly stressful environment though, even for the most experienced maggot, so it’s no surprise that many of these little grubs have turned to the arts.

Obviously their paintings don’t sell for much: First of all, maggots with a talent for wiggling around in paint are not that hard to come by. And second of all, maggots will do the job for a small piece of old bologna.

So in the end, all you’re paying for is the paint and the paper…and maybe some rotten meat.

I’m just worried about those bastard maggots undercutting my prices…

I need at least a whole pizza to do my job right.

Posted in Animalia, Brain Farts Tags: , , , , 8 Comments »
Read More »

Peeking At Giblets Costs Extra

November 29th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

We all like breasts.

But when jiggling masses of white meat get in the way of a normal sex life, it’s an obvious sign that things have gone too far.

Domesticated turkeys have expanded to the point where natural reproduction is impossible. These over- bred monstrosities may be tasty, but with no one around to help out with the chick making process, these birds would be extinct within 10 years.

I don’t know if I approve of their lifestyle.

Big boobs are OK, but what’s the point if you get nothing out of them…except a VIP pass to the nearest oven.

Genetically engineered turkeys may actually be a masterfully planned scheme…targeting man’s biggest weaknesses: boobies and food.

Who could resist?

Those plump, oversized, brain damaged turkeys prove how devious the food industry really is…

a peek at the jibblets costs extra

Posted in Animalia Tags: , , , , , 5 Comments »
Read More »

Ratty Intruder

October 6th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

little Rat Just Wants to Eat your peanutsI would like to take a moment to reminisce about the time my house was broken into…REPEATEDLY.

At first, I would notice little things missing here and there: Pieces of paper, cookies, chunks out of my favorite sweater.

It really wasn’t too bad until the culprit grew some balls and ran across my BARE foot, dragging his huge gut and saggy testicles behind him.

I. Felt. Everything. 

Ugh. My foot was pretty much taken advantage of by a rat. I didn’t even know rats had foot fetishes…

This was YEARS ago, but I can still remember how terrifying the whole experience was. I couldn’t do anything but stammer as I watched the hairy shadow continue to scurry across the floor and to the backyard through the open glass doors.

Sick!

My kitchen was always pretty clean, but after that ratty encounter it was damn near spotless…and I was sure that the intense smell of bleach would keep any living thing at bay.

Unfortunately, the nightly visits continued. The rat had figured out that my roommate liked to stash her 50 lb bag of rice in her bedroom. There was obviously no space for it in the kitchen…plus it doubled as a bean-bag chair. 

Every evening, this rat would squeeze under her door and head straight for the all-you-can eat rice buffet.

beer goggles all day and nightOn a side note, I told my roommate to put the bag of rice on top of something. I checked in on her the next day and yes, the rice was in fact, on top of something…a cardboard box…a FOLDED cardboard box…meaning that the rice was about half a millimeter off the floor…and I’m being generous here. So now the rice-buffet was literally being served on a cardboard platter. Are you kidding me???

So I grew to expect our little intruder. It was our ritual: 

  1. Ratty poop-factory comes over at the most inconsiderate hours
  2. Rat eats our food
  3. Rat  leaves a few turds behind as a tip
  4. Rat drags himself and his testicles all over house and leaves

THANKS buddy!

I placed traps around the house and near the rice bag. Nothing. This thing was smart. I still don’t even know how it got into the house.

Eventually the rat grew so ENORMOUS that it had to gnaw away at my roommate’s door just to fit underneath.

I ended up catching the thing with a “Zapper”. It’s basically a plastic box that electrocutes a rodent once it crawls inside. I secretly hoped never to catch the thing. I was moving out soon anyway…I could deal with this for another month. I have a hard enough time bringing myself to squirt bug-spray on a roach.

But…the rat wasn’t that lucky.

Maybe it was tired of eating rice for the past 2 weeks. Or maybe the rat knew that its life was coming to an end anyway: No morbidly obese rat is going to be able to outrun a cat…or a heart attack. This was an easy way out…quick, painless electrocution.

Anyway, I took a deep breath and checked the trap, but I wasn’t mentally prepared to find a ferret in there.

Oh wait…thank god…it wasn’t a ferret…just the biggest freaking rat I’d ever seen. It had to have been over a foot long. What the hell do they PUT in those Costco rice bags??!

I don’t know if the rat deserved to die just for trespassing…but I took a lesson from the ‘little’ guy and know to only steal food from people’s houses ONCE…or twice at the most.

scary...

Posted in Animalia, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , No Comments »
Read More »

Pets and Bulimia

August 25th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

bulimic dogI’ve lived with a girl who faked being handicapped, a Minotaur and a fundamental Christian who belly danced on the weekends for some extra cash. But nothing was worse  than when one roommate decided to bring along her cat.

I was excited at first. I wouldnt mind a cat around the house; they can be cute, and cuddly and maybe even funny once in a while … but once the bundle of fluff was carried into my apartment I knew the experience would be a disappointment.

This manic depressive cat did nothing but lie on the carpet and lose chunks of fur.

Alright, so she did more than that: Mrs.Fluffy’s 22 hour naps were punctuated with regular barf sessions. To find the cat, you’d just have to follow the barfy trail she’d left behind…sort of like a hairy, slug.

Or, you’d just have to listen for the “urk, urk, urk, urk, urk…”

I knew who to blame, though….and it wasn’t the owner.

 Oh, no…It’s the media.

Thousands of pets are afflicted with bulimia, and who could blame them?

After seeing the sexy felines on Fancyfeast commercials and watching the self-righteous Pedigree pups strut around on screen, any pet is going to feel self conscious. Our pets are brought up believing they have to look like all the cartoons on TV or the stuffed animals that line the shelves at Pet-co.  

So they barf.

Damn media!

barfy kitty

Posted in Animalia Tags: , , , , , , 3 Comments »
Read More »

Moles For Life

July 11th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

warty-old-ladyWhat the hell is that? Is that a hair on my chin? I thought only old ladies get those!

Oh wait. It gets better! What is that thing it’s attached to? A mole??! Sweet Jeezus, how have I never noticed that mound before! Well, thanks to the 2 inch long hair that was trailing out of it, I’m now fully aware of the delightful little fleck.

Whateva! Let me tell you a little something kiddies! A couple moles are actually good for you!

Moles are linked with a prolonged lifespan. People with a lot of moles tend to have chromosomes that don’t deteriorate as fast-which causes aging. So…HA! I’m going to live freaking forever!

I don’t mind turning into one of those mole covered, old farts that hobble their way to a crappy diner every Sunday. (It obviously doesn’t matter where you go, because at this point in your life, everything tastes like soggy cardboard anyway.)

Now I know why most of the really old people I come across have the occasional mole. Their mole-free senior friends obviously had the habit of dying a little earlier.

Not only that, but some moles look pretty awesome. Check out Marilyn Monroe, or Cindy Crawford. People would have PAID to suck on those celebrity moles.

Unfortunately, people weren’t always admired for their moles. Moles on the face (especially the chin, nose and upper lip) were associated with evil. Imagine a witch. Think of her big, cackling face. She had a mole on her nose didn’t she? *sigh* So predictable.

During the middle ages warts and moles were also thought to be a marker symbolizing where the devil entered the person’s soul.  I don’t know how that worked, though. If you had a ton of moles all over your body did that mean that there was a satanic party going on in there or what?

The only time I ever think of a mole as evil, is when the mole has some lengthy hairs popping out of it for the evil doers to climb up. Sort of like Rapunzel…If Rapunzel was a mole….and evil…and your face waaaaas…the tower. Yes. Just like that! 

Just pluck it! It’s fine. Nothing is going to happen.

(Some cultures, especially in Asia, would NEVER dream of doing such a thing since the hairs represent good luck. But come ON! How lucky can you be if your dates can’t concentrate on anything else? Moleeee, moleee, moleeee…) 

Moles are awesome! But I’m pretty bias now.

I know you all are super jealous of mine. (I call it “spot”)

pluck it! but which one?

Posted in Health & Fashion, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , , , 6 Comments »
Read More »

Don’t Trust Chimps

January 12th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

monkeyfacecloseupChimps are Gross:

It’s no surprise that an animal sharing 99.9% of the human genome has some pretty gross tendencies: Chimpanzees will bribe each other for food and sex, rape females from other groups, and fling crap when they’re upset.

But it gets worse: Chimpanzees are incredibly aggressive and will kill other chimp gangs they may come across…and they will often eat the victims.

If a drunken fraternity, the L.A crypts and some cannibals  somehow combined forces, they would probably be comparable to a group of chimps.

Chimps Hog The Remote:

These mini cannibals may look cute when they are babies, but even a hand raised chimp will turn into a force to be reckoned with: I remember hearing a story in the news about a couple raising their chimp as a son…and losing a few body parts because of it:

**********

Moe wasn’t a bad chimp, but it was clear to James and LaDonna Davis that he was going to be a handful. He knew how to dress himself, how to use the bathroom, and how to turn on the TV and watch his favorite cartoons (skills that most people take years to master), but he just didn’t have any manners. Once he started throwing tantrums and biting people, it was time for Moe to get shipped off to the sanctuary.

Chimps Will Kill For Cake:

James and LaDonna still doted on Moe and brought him a cake for his 39th birthday. It was while cutting the cake that the two other chimps sharing Moe’s cage escaped and ruthlessly attacked the visiting couple. These apes ended up tearing into Dave, leaving him with half a face and stumps for hands. It didn’t end there either: the two crazed chimps bit off part of the man’s butt and mutilated his foot as well. Sanctuary workers claim that jealousy prompted the rogue chimp attack, enraged by the fact that these humans were giving Moe all the attention. If you’re going to bring chimpanzees something, you better bring enough for everybody. Jealousy is lame.

Chimps Are Butt-Guys:

I don’t know what’s so appealing about chimpanzees. The first time I saw a chimp I couldn’t stop staring at the bulbous red ass attached to this hairy mini-person. I was too young to know that a nice shiny rump is a female chimp’s way of attracting a mate. Having a decent derrière comes with consequences though, and the ladies with the nicest butts where chastised by the unlucky females whose asses just weren’t as round or as red. It was like experiencing high school drama all over again.

Chimps Are Too Much Like People:

Scary that the ass attraction is also something we can all relate to. Why else would surgeons offer butt implants to the flat assed woman now-a-days? Ridiculous.

Chimps make many people uncomfortable. Looking at creatures that are almost human, like Michael Jackson or your first wife’s stepmother, is an eerie experience.

Either way, chimps are not to be trusted! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Note:

Moe escaped from the sancuary in 2008 and is still on the loose. Make sure to walk across the street if you see him on the sidewalk and avoid eye contact. He is considered armed and dangerous .

monkey-face

Posted in Animalia Tags: , , , , , 1 Comment »
Read More »

Playing with Food

November 30th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

Food, Sleep and Sex – A few things on every one’s priority list, whether you admit it or not. I figured as the first blog for a website, why not try and write about something everyone can relate to. Since porn is pretty easy to come by online (sex…check), and you’ll probably fall asleep reading this anyway (sleep…check), why not bring up food?

While finding a way to procrastinate at the day to day desk job, I came across a pretty interesting site revolving around weird edible concoctions from around the world.

Crunchy fried ants are a favorite treat while at the movies in Columbia, for example. While camel tendon soup sounds pretty damn good for most patrons at restaurants in China.

The adequately titled http://www.weird-food.com/ lets people describe some of their weird culinary encounters or missed childhood meals, since things like monkey toes and fried bats are sort of hard to come by nowadays. Who would have thought that ant grubs-”ghetto caviar”-make an excellent dessert?

Ok, I was never going to speak of this moment again…but I did eat a bug once…and not a little one either. And it didn’t  happen because a fly buzzed into my gaping mouth while I rolled through a swarm on my bike. It was totally intentional.

I remember popping that deep fried cricket  in my mouth without hesitation. Thankfully all I could taste was the soy sauce it was fried in. I chewed and chewed while my friends watched the little cricket legs get stuck in my teeth. I couldn’t bring myself to close my mouth or swallow. The man who was generous enough to give me the treat, sat in front of the giant metal bowl full of the same covering his mouth, trying not to laugh. This was in Cambodia and one of the better experiences I had there.

It could have been worse: At least I didn’t have to watch what the Hungarian went through. He looks back and remembers how co-workers killed the first pig of the season not too long ago, draining its blood into a frying pan, then mixing the stuff in with scrambled eggs for a lovely breakfast celebration. What a great day at the office! And all natural red food coloring!

SEAsia 085 by muhawi001.After reading through recipes involving guinea-pig stir fry, Newfoundland Seal Flipper Pie and Hog’s Head Scrapple (I’d rather not describe the stuff), and overcoming a slight case of nausea, I was just simply amazed at the global variety of foods (and at the amount of free time I had at my disposal).

I have to accept the fact that I’ve just distanced myself from what’s really in a hotdog (I don’t wanna know) and what surprises lurk in those cans of tuna fish or even bagged bread! It all makes me wonder what else I may be missing…not just food-wise, but in general.

At this point, curiosity has gotten the better of me though, and I’ll wade through all kinds of information without hesitation, even if it does make me a little sick.

Posted in Cool Sites, Food Tags: , , , , , , , 2 Comments »
Read More »
Twitter Delicious Facebook Digg Stumbleupon Favorites More