Posts Tagged ‘Funny’

Smelly Jellies!!

November 12th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

jellyfish are spectacular!

I love Jellyfish!

As long as they’re not swimming near me…

I just read a story about someone’s workday completely ruined by one of these gelatinous freaks of nature…and I couldn’t keep it to myself. 

How selfish would it be if I didn’t share someone else’s misery with you guys?

Trust me. It’s hilarious!

Remember…if you think you’re having a rough time at the office…at least it’s jellyfish free:

 

April 1998

Hi Sue,

 
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit.

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything is going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My butt crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, was laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.

When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt when I got into the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butthole was swollen shut.

…Now repeat to yourself: “I love my job. I love my job. I love my job”

 

Unfortunately, I doubt that  this story is actually true. I don’t have any hair on my arm…and I can tell you first-hand that jellyfish don’t need hair to stick to you: The millions of harpoon barbs covering their tentacles do just fine exploding into your skin, and they can stick to just about anything…

but there really is no harm in laughing at a good story.

Haaaaaaaaaaaa

Posted in Animalia, Brain Farts Tags: , , , , , , , 3 Comments »
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Fighting Rhinos and Coronas

October 7th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

Has Nothing To Do with the BeerThey’re coming.

 I can feel it.

They’ve already gotten a hold of everyone else, so it’s only a matter of time before they get a hold of me.

Friggin cold viruses.

I don’t mind you hitching a ride on a couple of my cells…I have a few to spare, I guess…but wouldn’t we both benefit if you didn’t make me cough up a lung and force me to cancel a date on account of the fact that it looks like slugs just left a slime trail on their way out of my nostrils?

I’m more than willing to compromise. I mean, really…If you were smart about it, you’d make me feel AWESOME…you’d make me WANT to jump in front of someone about to sneeze with my mouth hanging wide open, PRAYING that I get a piece of you.

Right now, though, the only benefit of catching a cold is the loss of appetite.sneeze

Well, that just SUCKS. You’re going to need to do better than that.

Right now…prepare to FIGHT.

Stupid rhinoviruses. You gotta love the name, though. RHINOvirus…

It gets better: The second most common type of cold virus is known as a type of Coronavirus.

We just got back from Mexico…so it probably makes sense that it’s the coronavirus we’re carrying around.

to snails, snot is a good thing

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Ratty Intruder

October 6th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

little Rat Just Wants to Eat your peanutsI would like to take a moment to reminisce about the time my house was broken into…REPEATEDLY.

At first, I would notice little things missing here and there: Pieces of paper, cookies, chunks out of my favorite sweater.

It really wasn’t too bad until the culprit grew some balls and ran across my BARE foot, dragging his huge gut and saggy testicles behind him.

I. Felt. Everything. 

Ugh. My foot was pretty much taken advantage of by a rat. I didn’t even know rats had foot fetishes…

This was YEARS ago, but I can still remember how terrifying the whole experience was. I couldn’t do anything but stammer as I watched the hairy shadow continue to scurry across the floor and to the backyard through the open glass doors.

Sick!

My kitchen was always pretty clean, but after that ratty encounter it was damn near spotless…and I was sure that the intense smell of bleach would keep any living thing at bay.

Unfortunately, the nightly visits continued. The rat had figured out that my roommate liked to stash her 50 lb bag of rice in her bedroom. There was obviously no space for it in the kitchen…plus it doubled as a bean-bag chair. 

Every evening, this rat would squeeze under her door and head straight for the all-you-can eat rice buffet.

beer goggles all day and nightOn a side note, I told my roommate to put the bag of rice on top of something. I checked in on her the next day and yes, the rice was in fact, on top of something…a cardboard box…a FOLDED cardboard box…meaning that the rice was about half a millimeter off the floor…and I’m being generous here. So now the rice-buffet was literally being served on a cardboard platter. Are you kidding me???

So I grew to expect our little intruder. It was our ritual: 

  1. Ratty poop-factory comes over at the most inconsiderate hours
  2. Rat eats our food
  3. Rat  leaves a few turds behind as a tip
  4. Rat drags himself and his testicles all over house and leaves

THANKS buddy!

I placed traps around the house and near the rice bag. Nothing. This thing was smart. I still don’t even know how it got into the house.

Eventually the rat grew so ENORMOUS that it had to gnaw away at my roommate’s door just to fit underneath.

I ended up catching the thing with a “Zapper”. It’s basically a plastic box that electrocutes a rodent once it crawls inside. I secretly hoped never to catch the thing. I was moving out soon anyway…I could deal with this for another month. I have a hard enough time bringing myself to squirt bug-spray on a roach.

But…the rat wasn’t that lucky.

Maybe it was tired of eating rice for the past 2 weeks. Or maybe the rat knew that its life was coming to an end anyway: No morbidly obese rat is going to be able to outrun a cat…or a heart attack. This was an easy way out…quick, painless electrocution.

Anyway, I took a deep breath and checked the trap, but I wasn’t mentally prepared to find a ferret in there.

Oh wait…thank god…it wasn’t a ferret…just the biggest freaking rat I’d ever seen. It had to have been over a foot long. What the hell do they PUT in those Costco rice bags??!

I don’t know if the rat deserved to die just for trespassing…but I took a lesson from the ‘little’ guy and know to only steal food from people’s houses ONCE…or twice at the most.

scary...

Posted in Animalia, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , No Comments »
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featured-crabs

Crabs Have It Rough-Stop Waxing ASAP

February 23rd, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

Do you ever wonder why they’re two different species of lice (i.e. the head louse and crab louse) crawling around our bodies when it makes more sense to just get harassed by one friggin kind of louse?

No?

Maybe it’s just me then…

*Googling*

AHA! I knew it! Basically, we have gorillas to thank for the crabs that have crawled their way through our pants and into our hearts.

We acquired the crab louse from gorillas several million years ago.  And hey, before you let your mind wander to a night of  savage jungle love, let me make it clear that sex with a gorilla was probably not how the inter-species louse transfer happened (especially since a gorilla’s penis is a measly 4cm long…that’s a quarter of an INCH, people!…don’t ask me how I know).

Back in the day, the nests left behind by gorillas were as comfortable as any bed, even if they were full of lice, while the occasional gorillas may have been butchered and eaten when our ancestors were in the mood for some ape-leg. These activities left our bodies exposed to the hungry vermin.

louse loves youPeople were pretty hairy back then, and the oblivious crab louse hitching a ride probably didn’t really know the difference between prehistoric humans and gorillas. Later on, as humans began losing their hair, the poor crab lice were forced to keep moving south as their habitats became smaller and smaller.

Crab lice will use their little claws to hang onto your towels, bed sheets, clothes and closets in addition to your pubes…just waiting for their chance to move to wider and hairier pastures. If a crab louse is lucky enough to infest someone hairy, then a scruffy beard, fuzzy armpit or shaggy stomach is also prime real estate; perfect for raising a cute crabby family.

But not all lice are that lucky: On the younger human kids that are generally hairless, crab lice have to resort to living in the crowded eyelash area until some decent pubes have finally started sprouting down below.

Crabs don’t have it easy! They made the choice to crawl over to people, leaving the hairy suburbia offered by gorillas behind.

These poor lice definitely traded down.

Now, as we wax and pluck the hair that nature left us with, the crab louse has become somewhat of an endangered species. (You can’ help but feel sorry for the little pests. After all, we share years of family history!)

If you have a decent area to house a family of crabs why not adopt some of these little guys from this WEBSITE. (However, take note that we do not promote the use of crabs as revenge…unless they are used on a roommate that has made your life a living hell. Just make sure to move out first.)

crabs

Posted in Animalia, Best of SFP Tags: , , , , , , , , 10 Comments »
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Tricked By A Unicorn

January 26th, 2009 Seafoodpuncher

tmalo-unicorn

In mythology and ancient literature throughout Greece, Europe and Asia, unicorns were depicted as powerful and fierce animals.

Their description varies by region and time-period, but unicorns typically galloped around on cloven hooves, while flicking away flies with a lion’s tail. Some of the more distinguished looking unicorns also sported a goat-like beard.

In Medieval times, it was noted that the only being capable of soothing the savage unicorn was a virgin.

I don’t know what it is about virgins, but they seem to be the cure for all kinds of things. Back in the day, I’m sure that these rumors were spread around to encourage naïve, young women to have sex as soon as possible, lest they get thrown into a volcano or used as unicorn bait.

Either way, when a unicorn approached a young virgin, he would immediately place his head on her lap and get lulled to sleep by her super-human virgin powers. Once the animal started snoring, hunters would come in and attack. As you can see, this was all very scientific stuff, and people believed it.

Hunters supposedly killed these rare unicorns for their milk and hides, both of which could be used as an aphrodisiac. This was especially useful for men wooing the few stubborn virgins who weren’t convinced that giving up their cherries would increase their lifespan.

Obviously nothing was more unique than a unicorn’s horn, which was said to neutralize any poison. You could chug a cocktail mixed with curare and walk away feeling refreshed, as long as you sipped it out of an authentic unicorn horn mug. These novelty cups didn’t come cheap, either, and who could deny the existence of these magical creatures when their parts were available at all the higher end boutiques?

a-little-yellow-unicornFew people knew that the sharp spiral horns carefully placed in shop windows were actually narwhal tusks shipped over from the Arctic, and that the lumbering, hairy unicorns described by Marco Polo were really just rhinos. 

Unicorns have changed throughout the years, though. Nowadays we associate them with fluffy ponies that give rides to little girls while farting out sugary rainbows. But how did this major change happen?

Maybe they were sick of getting hunted down,  and as a last resort, the unicorns hatched a plan: Through extensive marketing, unicorns have managed to convince us that their body parts are useless, and better yet, don’t even exist. Not only that, but there is no longer pride associated in hunting down the modernized unicorn. These animals are now thought of as helpless, sweet, cuddly and sparkly. Unicorns are still enthralled with innocent young maidens, though, and because of this, have convinced little girls worldwide that they want nothing more than a ride on a magical unicorn.

None of this comes as a surprise since it was really just a matter of time before the entire human race was to be outwitted by an animal.

(The above comic was drawn by the incredibly talented Antonio Maldonado.)

unicorn_meat

Posted in Animalia, Best of SFP, Monsters, Myths & Legends Tags: , , , , , , 8 Comments »
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Cake Wrecks-You Just Can’t Look Away

December 30th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

Cakes are part of the most important days of our lives: Weddings, birthdays, holidays or just for fun. So when we open a box expecting a professionally decorated cake, but get a noxious blob that even the most unskilled baby could cough up after too many cookies, we tend to get upset…but in this day and age it is more likely that we just create a website to bitch about it.

CakeWrecks.com is one of those sites that you just can’t help but scroll through, giggling like a little schoolgirl the whole time. It is dedicated to bringing us the worst looking cakes that unsuspecting individuals PAID for. Most of the cakes you see though, just show you how hard it is to work with frosting. And to think…It all started with the infamous cake decorated by a brain-dead or perhaps illiterate employee at a local Wal-mart (Where else?): 

Here’s another example of decoration ideas lost in translation:

“Hey there, I need a graduation cake”

Heavy breathing  interrupted by some careful nose picking. “No problem, do you want anything else on it”

“I want sprinkles”

wait for it….

ta daaaaaaa!

 cake21

Cakewrecks also brings to light little abominations that line our grocery isles, begging to be photographed and made fun of. I’m pretty much addicted.

**********

Of all my birthday cakes, two are especially memorable: The first was created in a family bake shop where more time was spent cleaning up after roaches than baking. I remember the crude Bugs Bunny shaped lump placed in front of me as I proudly sat at the head of the table in my shiny, paper Birthday hat.  It was a creepy looking cake, but I was incredibly excited at the prospect of devouring at least a month’s worth of sugar in one sitting.

The cake was decorated with huge dollops of grey and white frosting (staying true to the bugs bunny theme) making the cake look much bigger than it really was. It brings to mind one of those persian cats that have all that fluff just for show. But if you’ve seen one of those animals waddle through the door after a night out in the rain, you know that the real thing is really a pathetic little nugget of a cat. So…what I’m saying is that my first real birthday cake reminds me of an overly hairy cat: A tiny piece of cake covered in cheap fluff. In fact, my mouth became coated with the buttery mess and I could barely talk, but I wasn’t too unhappy about it.

The second cake, was just as exciting. In fact, it lit my hair on fire. My family thought it would be hilarious to confuse me with one of those candles that won’t go out unless you practically spit on them. So it sparked back on again, with my hair right overhead. I ended up with a mullet for a while after that.

I guess my point is that the best cakes are sometimes the worst.

 

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Why Does This Cat Look Like Satan?

December 18th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

This is one of the better Craigslist ads I’ve seen in a while:

I crack up every time I look at it. I just imagine a poor, bewildered possum getting picked up off the porch by a nearsighted little man who doesn’t know the difference between a wild animal and a house cat…and then the post “CAT FOUND!”. He is so excited about his find, but you can’t help but feel sorry for the man. The possum, on the other hand, doesn’t know what to make of the bowl of cat food, but I’m sure he isn’t too unhappy about it. The thing does look cheerful in the first photo (almost like he’s laughing at the person taking the picture).

What about the asian man who ended up with a vengeful arctic fox, when he thought he bought a pomeranian puppy? See the full article HERE.

It seems that wild animals are taking advantage of people’s ignorance to sneak into their homes, scratch up their faces and feast on the food that’s thrown at them. Animals are evolving all the time. I doubt that they want to be kept as pets, but seeing articles like this does make it look like they planned it all out. We’ve encroached on their territory long enough: Now it’s time for them to sneak into OUR homes, eat OUR food and poop on OUR floors!

"I did NOT sign up for this"Moving along: Here is another prime example of a good person making the mistake of opening his doors to a wild animal: A Chinese herdsmen found what he thought were two orphaned kittens while taking his sheep out to graze.

In the past few months these kittens have grown into full-blown snow leopards that snack on the poor farmers sheep, chickens and pride. He doesn’t look all too happy in the photo.  I imagine that when this photo was taken, herdsman Zhang Peiwei (that’s his real name, by the way) was wondering if he might have inadvertantly spilled some growth hormones into the cat food.

Just think twice before you pick up that cute black and white, striped cat rooting around your trash. It may all be planned out and part of the animal rebellion. You don’t want to end up like PeiWei.

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Look-A-likes: Out There Is a Nacho With Your Face On It

December 18th, 2008 Seafoodpuncher

It was definitely cold outside, but the fresh air was a welcome change from the boring stink of the office. I wandered around aimlessly for a while, which was still more productive than anything I could have ever done at my desk. Playing solitaire is only fun for so long.

Feeling ambitious, I walk farther than usual and find a store full of all kinds of crap; perfect to pass the time. I walk the isles, poking at curiosities like crystal hot dogs, and cat shaped clocks. What’s even more fascinating is how many people are in the store with baskets loaded with stuff I wouldn’t give my worst enemy.

I start feeling uncomfortable. The shop owner has been following me around with her grey eyes for a while. All of sudden she sighs and says, “It’s about time you showed up. I was wondering if you’d ever pick up the yodeling pickle we’d put on hold for you.”

No, I’ve never been in the store, I have enough pickles, I don’t have my wallet, no I don’t want to see the new shipment of novelty packing peanuts and you’ve confused me for someone else. I blame the glaucoma evident in the shopkeeper’s eyes, but it’s not the first time I’ve been mistaken for someone else.

How many people are out there that look like me, I wonder? I guarantee that if not now, then in the past century, there has been at least one person born with an uncanny resemblance to this gorgeous reflection staring back at me right now.

TotallyLooksLike is a site with a similar idea. Not only does it compare people to each other, but to cartoons, statues, pets, nuts and vegetables that look like a specific person. Lets use a couple of Jacksons as reference: Jesse Jackson looks like a pug, no quesion, and Michael Jackson looks like one of those egyptian statues that have the habit of losing their noses as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s embarassingly entertaining to look at the site, but it does make you wonder: Is there some kind of lonely little dachshund that might look like me? Or a filthy rich Russian millionare whos twin I could pretend to be? Not only that, but how weird is it, that with the billions of looks influenced by our genes, so many people exist that look like siblings?

I guess in a sense it’s true that we’re all related, but I’d rather not wonder whether I’m dating someone who may have the same great-grandparents that I do. Back to the point: Comparing people to things like dogs, potatoes, broken statues and each other is another fun way to pass the time.

Thank you, that is all.

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