Oh wait. It gets better! What is that thing it’s attached to? A mole??! Sweet Jeezus, how have I never noticed that mound before! Well, thanks to the 2 inch long hair that was trailing out of it, I’m now fully aware of the delightful little fleck.

Whateva! Let me tell you a little something kiddies! A couple moles are actually good for you!

Moles are linked with a prolonged lifespan. People with a lot of moles tend to have chromosomes that don’t deteriorate as fast-which causes aging. So…HA! I’m going to live freaking forever!

I don’t mind turning into one of those mole covered, old farts that hobble their way to a crappy diner every Sunday. (It obviously doesn’t matter where you go, because at this point in your life, everything tastes like soggy cardboard anyway.)

Now I know why most of the really old people I come across have the occasional mole. Their mole-free senior friends obviously had the habit of dying a little earlier.

Not only that, but some moles look pretty awesome. Check out Marilyn Monroe, or Cindy Crawford. People would have PAID to suck on those celebrity moles.

Unfortunately, people weren’t always admired for their moles. Moles on the face (especially the chin, nose and upper lip) were associated with evil. Imagine a witch. Think of her big, cackling face. She had a mole on her nose didn’t she? *sigh* So predictable.

During the middle ages warts and moles were also thought to be a marker symbolizing where the devil entered the person’s soul.  I don’t know how that worked, though. If you had a ton of moles all over your body did that mean that there was a satanic party going on in there or what?

The only time I ever think of a mole as evil, is when the mole has some lengthy hairs popping out of it for the evil doers to climb up. Sort of like Rapunzel…If Rapunzel was a mole….and evil…and your face waaaaas…the tower. Yes. Just like that! 

Just pluck it! It’s fine. Nothing is going to happen.

(Some cultures, especially in Asia, would NEVER dream of doing such a thing since the hairs represent good luck. But come ON! How lucky can you be if your dates can’t concentrate on anything else? Moleeee, moleee, moleeee…) 

Moles are awesome! But I’m pretty bias now.

I know you all are super jealous of mine. (I call it “spot”)

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz

My red eyes popped open, bulging out of their sockets.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I woke up and flailed around wildly.

The buzzing stopped.

The silence would have been enjoyable if it didn’t mean that a damn mosquito had landed somewhere on my body and was preparing to force its disgusting mouth through my skin for a drink.

I was furious. Nothing pisses me off more than these blood suckers flying around my head at night, waking me up like a rude neighbor and then helping themselves to a meal without even asking!

Mosquitoes have driven people insane since the beginning of time. Even the Jews and Muslims can agree on this one: The Talmud states that the Roman Emperor Titus went insane after a mosquito flew up his nose and into his brain, tormenting him with its incessant buzzing.

In Islamic legends, Nimrod had a mosquito (maybe even the same one) make its way into his skull. Nimrod was tortured by the noise and ordered his guards to hit him in the head as a means for some relief. Eventually, the request got a little old and a rambunctious guard split Nimrod’s head in half after which the mosquito flew off to go annoy someone else.

I could totally relate to these stories as I was about to knock myself out on the bed post, desperate to get some sleep. I had to destroy these damned mosquitoes to avoid injuring myself.

Throwing the sheet to the side, I stomped towards the light switch. Within seconds I was scanning my room for the greedy culprits. I was on a mission, and I wanted nothing more than to add another bloody red dot to the dozens of others that already adorned the bedroom walls.

Some people hang up moose heads and stuffed sailfish, I was satisfied with a squished mosquito.

Mosquitoes are pure evil. As if providing them with a blood meal isn’t enough, these little shits will spit up saliva full of parasites as a goodbye present before they head back to hell.

700 million people get some kind of disease caused by these pests every YEAR! Malaria, Dengue Fever and West Nile Virus are just a few of the health benefits that are associated with a mosquito bite.

There are few things I hate more than a mosquitoes, and I’m not the only one. Maybe we should focus on hating this little insect instead of each other. Maybe that’s even the reason they exist? Or maybe they are just one of nature’s sick little jokes.

Of course, it is only the female mosquito that goes around sucking blood. So, in a sense, it’s not really the mosquito that’s evil…but the babies she carries: Female mosquitoes only stray from their diet of nectar when it is time to start a family. The guys, on the other hand, are harmless.

Sure, I’ll donate a few drops of blood for a worthy cause, but raising families of mosquitoes is NOT one of them.