Seafoodpunch

While out at sea, sailors would occasionally come across a creature in the water that resembled a rather large women.  It was usually just a manatee (a.k.a sea-cow or dugong) swimming underneath the water, but it might have been a mermaid for all we know.

It may also have been wishful thinking by horny men stuck on board a ship for months at a time, surrounded by hundreds of other dudes sick with scurvy.

If mermaids did exist, there is no way they would look like skinny super models from the waist up. Early sailors were aware of this, and it makes sense that the 700 pound sea-cow would bear more resemblance to a mermaid than Ariel.

First of all, mermaids would need to be covered in an insulating layer of fat to handle the colder temperatures of the sea. Out of the water, a mermaid would jiggle around no less than a sea lion. Most fish and marine mammals share similar physical characteristics. It really wouldn’t be surprising if it really was a mermaid that sailors saw once in a while, and not a dugong. Everything looks the same underwater.

The skinny mermaids that sit on top of rocks and spend hours brushing their hair probably don’t have the energy to do anything else. A bony creature like that wouldn’t be able to survive long in the harsh ocean environment either. Maybe these mermaids were sick or just depressed? Perhaps dying mermaids ritualistically sat on rocks together and brushed their hair as part of some ultimate ceremony?

Some mermaids will call out to unsuspecting sailors who drown when they succumb to the womens’ hypnotizing singing voice. The stories say that mermaids do this out of spite or boredom. If you were depressed and had nothing to do but brush your hair on a rock, I’m sure you wouldn’t have the  best personality either. A depressed mermaid is a very scary thing. It all makes sense damnit!

Another myth I want to dispel here, is that mermaids will look the same out of the water. The fact is that they just aren’t built to handle the intense pressures of gravity. Imagine a jellyfish: Under the waves, they look incredibly graceful and move effortlessly, but when they wash up on shore, they look more like a pile of snot than anything else.

Same goes for merfolk: Without the support of water, these buxom beauties would just sag. Remember that fat floats. It is unlikely that any of these merpeople would want to be seen out of the water with gravity pulling on their breasts and rolls. (This obviously does not apply to the cursed mermaids on the rocks, mentioned previously.)

It is definitely interesting to look at different depictions of mermaids over the centuries, but it seems like artists had it right the first time. I personally find the larger versions of mermaids more appealing. They have more character and just seem more realistic to me.