Is That a Stake in Your Pocket?

I know not to judge a book by it’s cover.

Ironically, I’ll still judge people by the cover of the books that they’re reading.

I know you do too!

The unfortunate truth is that I’ve gotten suckered into enjoying the paranormal crap flooding the market, as well. Damn you peer pressure! (The same thing happened with capris.)

I used to hate romance novels. I wasn’t alone. Everyone I KNEW refused to even be seen in the romance section of the book store. Things have changed, though…

Apparently the secret is a werewolf or vampire themed story. Slap a few horny werewolves on the cover and everyone wants to read about the hairy couple playing fetch with the alpha male’s balls.

But I can still rip off the covers if I want to!

Sperm For The Cure

A few years ago, an article published on CNN’s site shook the nation:  this article claimed that women who gave their special man at least one mouth-hug a week reduced their chances of getting breast cancer by an astonishing 40%!

It was complete pandemonium:

“Holy crap,” you could hear women yell around the world, “pass the penis!”

“I TOLD you,” was the natural male response.

Men, of course, finally had a reason to get off the couch.

They strutted around town displaying their magical, cancer reducing appendage for the world to see.

The supply and demand problem was solved!

Oh, happy day!

Woman could now overlook the fact that their men didn’t have goals in life, or impeccable hygiene…

Just BEING with a man was good for your health. These women managed to love that piece of their man a little more than usual and convinced themselves that if the prescribed medicine tasted horrible, or burned, or left one with a terrible rash…it HAD to be working, right?

At least that’s what mom used to say about her meds.

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end: A few weeks later the graduate student who submitted the report, Brandon Williamson, admitted the whole thing to be a prank.

He only hoped that guys took advantage of the sensation while it lasted.

I’m sure he is still considered a national hero.

While a man’s lovable, little tadpoles don’t affect breast health, there are REAL studies showing that women who have sex regularly are less depressed (duh), have  a stronger immune system and may even help increase the population of an endangered species-the crab louse.

On the other hand, it is important to note that performing fellacio on a lucky lady reduces a man’s risk of gum disease and cavities.

An article online said so.

Squishypuff the Mutated Goldfish

My eyes had begun to glaze over as I made my way through the pet store in search of the perfect fish. I passed small, beady-eyed cichlids and dozens of other shiny fish that flitted from one end of their tanks to the other. Nothing really peaked my interest, though. They were all just boring fish with no personality. I wanted something…more exciting? Less fishy? I had no idea…

I began to think that I was looking for the impossible, and then I noticed two giant eyeballs staring at me from a small tank in the corner of the store. It was love at first sight.

The eyes jostled around on a bulging face similar to a yolk jiggling around on an undercooked egg. I knew the fish was doing its best to focus on me. His entire body, which was basically just a scaly ball with tiny fins, seized from side to side in an attempt to stay in position, while his mouth opened and closed excitedly.  I never wanted a pet more in my life. (Click HERE  or HERE to see one of these guys in ‘action’)

Squishypuff did alright in his aquarium for a while. I grew accustomed to him swimming upside down when he couldn’t fight the current with the tiny fins he’d been cursed with. And I got used to his habit of picking up pebbles from the bottom of the tank only to get them stuck in his mouth. He really did have an undercooked egg for a head.

But I couldn’t overlook the fact that he couldn’t compete with the few other fish in the tank. He did his best to wiggle his way towards the food pellets I plopped into the water every day, but he was just too slow. By the time squishypuff jiggled and writhed his way to the surface, all the food had already been eaten, digested and crapped out by the other, less mutated and more agile, fish. I would watch the pitiful Squishypuff (never one to give up) continue to jiggle around the surface in search of scraps, looking confused as always. 

I had my heart set on keeping Squishy, but I couldn’t think of any solution besides shoving the fish pellets into Squishypuff’s face myself. I decided to take an alternative, less time-consuming, route and sent poor Squishy off to live with a family of goldfish that were just as dumb, slow and eager to suck on rocks.

I like to think that Squishy is now the proud father of dozens of little goldfish: They may never get anywhere no matter how hard they wiggle those ridiculous bodies of theirs, but they never give up either. Here’ s to you Squishypuff! *raises glass*

Crabs Have It Rough-Stop Waxing ASAP

Do you ever wonder why they’re two different species of lice (i.e. the head louse and crab louse) crawling around our bodies when it makes more sense to just get harassed by one friggin kind of louse?

No?

Maybe it’s just me then…

*Googling*

AHA! I knew it! Basically, we have gorillas to thank for the crabs that have crawled their way through our pants and into our hearts.

We acquired the crab louse from gorillas several million years ago.  And hey, before you let your mind wander to a night of  savage jungle love, let me make it clear that sex with a gorilla was probably not how the inter-species louse transfer happened (especially since a gorilla’s penis is a measly 4cm long…that’s a quarter of an INCH, people!…don’t ask me how I know).

Back in the day, the nests left behind by gorillas were as comfortable as any bed, even if they were full of lice, while the occasional gorillas may have been butchered and eaten when our ancestors were in the mood for some ape-leg. These activities left our bodies exposed to the hungry vermin.

People were pretty hairy back then, and the oblivious crab louse hitching a ride probably didn’t really know the difference between prehistoric humans and gorillas. Later on, as humans began losing their hair, the poor crab lice were forced to keep moving south as their habitats became smaller and smaller.

Crab lice will use their little claws to hang onto your towels, bed sheets, clothes and closets in addition to your pubes…just waiting for their chance to move to wider and hairier pastures. If a crab louse is lucky enough to infest someone hairy, then a scruffy beard, fuzzy armpit or shaggy stomach is also prime real estate; perfect for raising a cute crabby family.

But not all lice are that lucky: On the younger human kids that are generally hairless, crab lice have to resort to living in the crowded eyelash area until some decent pubes have finally started sprouting down below.

Crabs don’t have it easy! They made the choice to crawl over to people, leaving the hairy suburbia offered by gorillas behind.

These poor lice definitely traded down.

Now, as we wax and pluck the hair that nature left us with, the crab louse has become somewhat of an endangered species. (You can’ help but feel sorry for the little pests. After all, we share years of family history!)

If you have a decent area to house a family of crabs why not adopt some of these little guys from this WEBSITE. (However, take note that we do not promote the use of crabs as revenge…unless they are used on a roommate that has made your life a living hell. Just make sure to move out first.)

Squishy Goodness

It’s amazing how a thick layer of fat transforms the most hideous, gangly animal into something you can’t resist hugging. Plump hippos, wrinkled elephants, morbidly obese pugs, and waddling penguins are examples of animals that are all incredibly popular. This is quite possibly because of their bulbous bodies.

Fat seems to have a calming effect on the being it envelops. You may not know it, but the animal pictured above is a Chihuahua. Chihuahuas are crazed, maniacal little beasts and this one was no exception. He was born an insolent puppy who bit anything that walked by. But as the little guy grew to look more like a fuzzy watermelon with a grape for a head (thanks to a carefully formulated diet), he became too lazy to do anything but roll towards the food dish, and lie there wheezing until it was filled. What a good little boy.

The cat down there doesn’t seem to have such a bad life, either. His expression is that of pure joy. Not only that, but it’s claws probably don’t extend out far enough to escape the fat that encapsulates them, so the owner never has to worry about getting scratched. A cat this fat though, is too placid to scratch anything anyway. For a great video on how to overfeed your pet properly click HERE. (Ignore the message at the end)

On the other hand, skinny, decrepit animals-like writhing snakes, sick hyenas or spindly legged insects, leave much to be desired. It is no surprise that evil characters in Disney cartoons bare more resemblance to a walking skeleton than anything else. Nobody is going to trust a person with eyes sunk deep into a skinny face. This is even truer when the person also has sharp cheekbones that poke out of the leathery skin stretched over their faces.

One animal in particular, the Aye-Aye, has been associated with bad luck for decades, mainly because of its long and bony finger. This finger is used for nothing more than plucking unsuspecting, fat, little grubs (also cute) out of trees, but people think it’s a symbol of death. If the aye-aye had been blessed with a big, stumpy finger instead, rest assured that it would be associated with good luck and prosperity instead of doom.

Fat isn’t just for looks either: Ducks float around on their fat chests while jiggling seals are protected from the elements thanks to their padded, buttery hides. Puffer-fish are definitely more appealing after force-feeding themselves water to turn into big spiky balls.

The question is why do we ‘oooh’ and ‘awww’ at fat animals, when we scowl at the sweaty, wheezing, human chubsters who we are forced to make a detour around on the sidewalk?

The concept that fat=cute mainly works for cartoons and animals, but there still are cultures that claim the fatter the woman, the sexier and more comfortable she is…not unlike your favorite couch (more on that in another post).