While snorkeling in Hawaii, I was overwhelmed with all the sea cucumbers scooting along the sea-floor like rambunctious little turds. I didn’t see a single dolphin on this trip, so I had to satisfy myself with the herds of sea cucumbers that gracefully made their way from one side of the...

While visiting Germany, I learned how Europeans really felt about Americans – “fat, lazy, gun slinging, burger-loving Americans”. The younger generation knows better, though. You’re not going to get mugged or shot by a rogue hillbilly while traveling around this...

Your morning can’t be off to a great start when it feels like you’ve made out with your cat’s butt all night long. Thankfully, I have no cats, but morning breath is one of the worst thing to wake up to (second to a cat’s butthole). I’m not ashamed to admit that oral hygiene is a big...

I went to boarding school in Germany for a year. Out of all the horrors I endured there, nothing stands out more than the incident with one particularly gross encased meat product- The Blood Sausage. Boarding school wasn’t too bad, but naturally there were rules we all had to follow-Lights...

Back in the day, it took a while to drum up enough courage to take a bite of the jiggling mass of spam that made its way out of the can and onto my plate. But boy, was it worth it: Pure sodium, meaty goodness. It did help that anything tastes good when you’re eating it on the beach. But...

Fact: Female goats have beards, but they still look sexy in a pair of panties. Fact: Goat’s milk is way easier to digest than cow milk Fact: Respect the goat! Fact? According to Roman history, on February 15th, young men would run around wearing only the skins of goats they...

Golf is fascinating, isn’t it? NO IT’S NOT!!!! “Golf is a good walk spoiled” I’ve played it. I was mildly entertained, but I would really feel sorry for any sap stuck watching me score a 54-over. I can understand that the people living on the small isle where the sport...

Sometimes enough is ENOUGH. Who the hell needs TWO whole scoops of raisins!? Raisin bran was a great cereal back when the raisin to bran flake ratio was a little more appropriate. Now it’s just too much. All I know is that they need to print a warning label on those boxes letting people...

 An abandoned fly followed me into my house recently. It’s pretty big as far as flies go, and needs more space than I can provide. He is very well behaved and likes nothing more sharing a donut and some dysentery with his loving owner. If you know anyone who can give Vincent a good home,...

Sweaters seem to transform even the ugliest of beasts into something more appealing. Maybe it’s the fact that sweaters add extra bulk to an animal (the Squishy effect), or because we pity anything that has lost all self-respect. Either way, if you’re an ugly animal in need of a...

Signs of the apocalypse are everywhere. First it was a volcano barfing up smoke all over Europe, then a gaping hole swallowed a small portion of south America, and as if that wasn’t enough to get our attention, earthquakes began rolling through town driving the message home: The world is...

I already established that horror movies are an excellent form of birth control… BUT they’re an even more effective dieting tool! Ever try eating a mayonnaise slathered sandwich while watching “The Fly” ? It’s IMPOSSIBLE! If you can keep anything down while watching a slimy, mutant...

9 out of 10 Americans are allergic to falling down the stairs. I’m now part of the majority. An incident with some particularly rude cement steps resulted in a swollen butt cheek and scraped arms. Thanks to the very informative wiki-answers on “how to NOT fall down stairs,” I now...

I know not to judge a book by it’s cover. Ironically, I’ll still judge people by the cover of the books that they’re reading. I know you do too! The unfortunate truth is that I’ve gotten suckered into enjoying the paranormal crap flooding the market, as well. Damn you...