I have too much crap.

 The Solution: Participate in an online white elephant party hosted by NGIP and hope someone else has more closet space than I do for snowman-shaped salt shakers, Mickey Mouse watches, inflatable dumbbells and various holiday-themed wool socks.

Unfortunately, participating in a while elephant gift exchange just means your trading in your old crap for a newer variety. Whatever. I could use the change.

I was excited when my white elephant gift came in the mail. I forgot that I shouldn’t be expecting a silver bracelet or trip to Belize. After ripping open the box and tearing through the forest green tissue paper I was confronted by….

A candle stick adorned with what looked like grapes!

Yaaaaaaay. Wait. What am I going to do with ONE candlestick? I need a bigger closet.

There is a reason it’s called a “white elephant” gift: White Elephants are useless. Since they were considered sacred, putting them to work was inexcusable. So they just sat around in your yard doing nothing. 

Getting the gift of an elephant was a great honor (and a curse), but at least the new elephant owner could go broke feeding the thing with pride.

P.S Thanks for the candlestick Rachele! It really was a lot of fun getting a random present in the mail. =)

Time to learn to become more productive and to make the best out of whatever life hands you…even if the crap you deal with turns into nothing more than a bigger ball of sh*t.

Just remember, some things consider a ball of poop a blessing…

Eating pufferfish is a way for less active individuals to get a thrill without having to overexert themselves. There’s also the cheaper option of ‘accidentally’ swallowing a chicken-bone, but it’s not as classy.

When properly prepared, eating puffer fish will leave you with numb lips, a pleasant tingling sensation and feeling of slight intoxication. Ingesting Vicks Vapo-rub may provide similar results.

If an amateur chef makes a few wrong cuts while prepping this puffy culinary ‘delight’, the diner won’t even get a chance to leave a tip before suffering from nausea, vomiting, paralyses, respiratory failure, coma and sometimes a less than graceful death.

Make sure to avoid any restaurant where you’re asked to pay in advance for the puffy experience.

I’m never one to underestimate how thrilling a lunch can be…I’ve had a few experiences with BBQ burgers that have practically given me an out of body experience (it may have just been a mild heart attack)…BUT I’m not sure if I want a seafood platter to be the most exciting thing I experience in my lifetime.

But what happens when a walrus gets vampified…

Well, actually…nothing really changes.

Either way, I have the bad habit of drawing animals in awkward situations. Who knew that drawing a self-conscious goat in panties would land me an awesome goaty calendar without the goaty smell!!!

If you’re interested in getting one of these calendars, you can find them at NGIP’s Zazzle store.

If you are interested in the goat and panties, I can only send you on your way with the image below and a look of concern…

only because this goat is a sassy one.

You know how to pick up a bat when you find one sprawled out on the sidewalk? Well, I know what DOESN’T work: a plastic cup, a to-go box, or chopsticks. They all make TERRIBLE bat removal tools.  I used to work for the communicable disease section (rabies!) at the Department of health…so I am an expert who can guarantee you that bats do like to be scooped up in cups.

During my lunch break, I happened across a baby bat suffering heat stroke in front of a Chinese restaurant. It was either heat stroke, or food poisoning, I guess. Either way, it was FATE!

I had my rabies shots and with nothing to fear, I was on a mission to save that diseased little rascal! Armed with chopsticks and a to-go box from the restaurant I managed to gently lift the bat into the box while getting shocked looks from pedestrians. They weren’t so much horrified by the lunatic squatted on the sidewalk in an attempt to put a tiny creature in a styrofoam box, but rather disgusted by how I handled my chopsticks like an orangutan without thumbs. Now I know how hard it would be to eat bats without a fork. 

We eventually made it to the office without a problem and I contemplated leaving the to-go box in the kitchen since some jerk had the habit of stealing other people’s lunches, but I decided against it. The little sucker had already been through enough…and more importantly; I didn’t want to get fired. Wildlife officials picked up the thing and I was left feeling alone and bat-less again.

 I like to think that baby bat lived on to spawn dozens of little cretins that keep us government workers employed. I don’t know what happened since then, though, since my contract ended shortly thereafter and I never even got so much as a postcard from said bat.

I didn’t see a single dolphin on this trip, so I had to satisfy myself with the herds of sea cucumbers that gracefully made their way from one side of the rock to the other. I think I fell asleep.

Fact: Goat’s milk is way easier to digest than cow milk

Fact: Respect the goat!

Fact? According to Roman history, on February 15th, young men would
run around wearing only the skins of goats they sacrificed
earlier and hit women with strips of goat skin, known as februa,
to promote fertility. It is from these purification instruments
that the month of February gets its name.

WHAT?!

Here is an illustration dedicated to our awesome, well endowed, bovine friend-the goat. Try not to get too turned on.

note: seafoodpunch does not endorse the whipping of women to promote fertility.

Inspired by a visit to Nanny Goats in Panties

He is very well behaved and likes nothing more sharing a donut and some dysentery with his loving owner.

If you know anyone who can give Vincent a good home, please let me know.

Either way, if you’re an ugly animal in need of a hug, try on a sweater. It may be the answer.