Ungrateful Butts
You know what ruins a bathroom trip? No…it’s not the pet Labrador trying to push the door open, or the water from an eccentric toilette splashing up at your starfish, or the husband yelling at you to hurry up. No, my friends, it’s all about the toilette paper. Revisions are made to TP on a seemingly weekly basis.
I see a “NEW” variety of toilette paper every time I visit the grocery store: Three-ply, two-ply, extra plush, super soft, double rolled etc. I don’t know if my butt is less sensitive than others, since I haven’t ever bought toilette paper only to have it ruin my whole experience, but apparently it is a huge deal. I’m talking about the TP, not my butt.
Right now the new thing on the market is the 3-ply Quilted Northern ULTRA-PLUSH. I bet those Charmin bears are pissed. I’ll take Quilted Northern ultra-plush over Charmin super absorbency any day…even if it’s just a matter of principle. I am sick and tired of seeing those bears shove their butts in my face during every commercial break. I thought bears were more subtle.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I am happy to live in a time where TP is readily available. People’s asses have had to endure corncobs, rocks (the Greeks), sponges on a stick (Romans), and worst case scenario; your left hand. There is still a stigma attached to the left hand because of this. (But that was long time ago and I encourage you not to become a left-handist. Left hands should have the exact same privileges as their right counterparts.)
TP wasn’t all that great at first either: It took a while before splinters weren’t a common occurrence and the first splinter-free toilette paper advertised itself as such. People were desperate for a splinter free wipe. With time, going to the bathroom became an escape. A type of vacation, even.
No wonder my grandparents are disgusted with our generation. Our asses are spoiled with 3-ply, ultra-plush, double rolled, quilted TP for god’s sake! You could knit baby blankets out of the stuff!
Our butts are becoming soft!
I agree, people today are soft and spoiled. Try wiping your butt with a maple leaf. It’s not as easy as you’d think.
Marvin: I will take your word for it. But you know what would be amazing? Maple leaf shaped TP just for old time’s sake.
Surfie: Yes. I will take TP over rocks any day. haha
Rocks! Really? I’m very happy to be spoiled by an over-abundance of TP options.