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Don’t Leave Me Lactaseless!
A very good friend of mine, lets call her Heidicakes, recently lost someone.
She is taking it relatively well, but she is a stronger person than I am: If I suddenly became lactose intolerant like she did, I‘d be a wreck.
Without a big hunk of cheese in my life on a daily basis, it’s not even worth it to get up in the morning.
After the intense loss of the enzyme that makes butter and cheese eating possible…I’d probably try to console myself with the help of the photo album;
Happy memories with cheeseburgers
Awesome parties that wouldn’t have been possible without the infamous deep dish pizza
Laughing with friends while sharing a fatty, buttery, milk infused dessert…
and then I’d scream and wonder why lactase decided to just up and leave me, without ANY warning at ALL! How could you Do this to me, lactase?! I NEED you!!!You call yourself an enzyme?! Get back here and do your damn job! Lazy asshole!
Anyway, that’s what I would do…
Heidi is probably in mourning.
I remember her buying huge cups of coffee with extra whipped cream…hold the coffee.
But that was in the past…now she has to stare down at a depressingly bare, lactose free jolt of caffeine every morning.
I’m SO sorry for your loss, Heidi!
The irony is that while this poor girl’s body rejects any form of ingested lactose with prominent gurgles, buttburps and indigestion…it is slowly preparing itself to churn out the very product it won’t let Heidi ever taste again.
HYPOCRITE!
What kind of a body walks around rejecting all forms of cheeses while prominently displaying two huge funbags full of milk?
Not only that, but human milk has almost TWICE as much lactose as the bovine version.
I don’t know how Heidi is going to handle breast feeding: It just doesn’t seem fair to have a greedy baby sucking down gallons of YOUR breast milk while you can’t enjoy the same beverage.
I wouldn’t be surprised if many lactose intolerant parents where jealous of their milk-guzzling offspring.
It isn’t that bad, I guess. Almost 75% of the world is lactose intolerant. In fact, almost 100% of Asians are lactose intolerant by the time they’re 5. It’s expected.
Once you lose the enzyme necessary to break down the lactose in milk, you’re not getting it back.
With lactase gone, the lactose from any milk product that makes it into your system passes through the stomach undigested and weaves its way into the colon.
Once there, the lactose is happily greeted by all the colonic bacteria which in turn make quick work of sugar, producing huge amounts of gas in the process.
It’s a slap in the face: You accidentally eat a cheese wheel and then your body turns on you with the help of MILLIONS of bacteria that YOU’VE given a home! NOBODY wants you to be happy.
How is that fair?
A little bit of gas might be embarrassing, but a LOT of gas HURTS.
Don’t do it, Heidi!
Put it down!
It’s not worth it!
It is a sad, sad, day indeed for your friend Heidi! That last bit of art really sums up the loss she is suffering. Oreos sans milk? Sacrilege.
Surfie! I know. it is terrible..but i guess Soy is always an option. i cant even talk about it…its too hard for me right now…
OMG!!!! Hahahaha!!! That’s awesome!!! You made me pee my pants.
Heidi! Just wait till after you have your baby. Peeing your pants will be a regular event. =) love you!
Awwwwww. Life just isn’t fair.
@ Marvin. I know! It’s terrible!
@ JD: Milk is a little whore. But it’s ok, because I will pimp out some cheese for you.
Milk IS pretty slutty, now that I think about it.
I, for one, could not live without it. I’m pretty gassy anyway; what’s a little more gas? Give up cheese? Never. Ice cream? Shut up. Even yogurt I would miss, and I MUST have milky in my coffee.
Tho I can’t stand drinking milk.