Seafoodpunch

I would like to take a moment to reminisce about the time my house was broken into…REPEATEDLY.

At first, I would notice little things missing here and there: Pieces of paper, cookies, chunks out of my favorite sweater.

It really wasn’t too bad until the culprit grew some balls and ran across my BARE foot, dragging his huge gut and saggy testicles behind him.

I. Felt. Everything. 

Ugh. My foot was pretty much taken advantage of by a rat. I didn’t even know rats had foot fetishes…

This was YEARS ago, but I can still remember how terrifying the whole experience was. I couldn’t do anything but stammer as I watched the hairy shadow continue to scurry across the floor and to the backyard through the open glass doors.

Sick!

My kitchen was always pretty clean, but after that ratty encounter it was damn near spotless…and I was sure that the intense smell of bleach would keep any living thing at bay.

Unfortunately, the nightly visits continued. The rat had figured out that my roommate liked to stash her 50 lb bag of rice in her bedroom. There was obviously no space for it in the kitchen…plus it doubled as a bean-bag chair. 

Every evening, this rat would squeeze under her door and head straight for the all-you-can eat rice buffet.

On a side note, I told my roommate to put the bag of rice on top of something. I checked in on her the next day and yes, the rice was in fact, on top of something…a cardboard box…a FOLDED cardboard box…meaning that the rice was about half a millimeter off the floor…and I’m being generous here. So now the rice-buffet was literally being served on a cardboard platter. Are you kidding me???

So I grew to expect our little intruder. It was our ritual: 

1. Ratty poop-factory comes over at the most inconsiderate hours
2. Rat eats our food
3. Rat  leaves a few turds behind as a tip
4. Rat drags himself and his testicles all over house and leaves

THANKS buddy!

I placed traps around the house and near the rice bag. Nothing. This thing was smart. I still don’t even know how it got into the house.

Eventually the rat grew so ENORMOUS that it had to gnaw away at my roommate’s door just to fit underneath.

I ended up catching the thing with a “Zapper”. It’s basically a plastic box that electrocutes a rodent once it crawls inside. I secretly hoped never to catch the thing. I was moving out soon anyway…I could deal with this for another month. I have a hard enough time bringing myself to squirt bug-spray on a roach.

But…the rat wasn’t that lucky.

Maybe it was tired of eating rice for the past 2 weeks. Or maybe the rat knew that its life was coming to an end anyway: No morbidly obese rat is going to be able to outrun a cat…or a heart attack. This was an easy way out…quick, painless electrocution.

Anyway, I took a deep breath and checked the trap, but I wasn’t mentally prepared to find a ferret in there.

Oh wait…thank god…it wasn’t a ferret…just the biggest freaking rat I’d ever seen. It had to have been over a foot long. What the hell do they PUT in those Costco rice bags??!

I don’t know if the rat deserved to die just for trespassing…but I took a lesson from the ‘little’ guy and know to only steal food from people’s houses ONCE…or twice at the most.