Cute As A Weapon

Posted by gspeed on Aug 17, 2009 in Animalia | 1 comment

Cute is a defensive weapon.

You can’t hurt a fluffy, little, button-nosed rabbit. Well, you CAN, but it would be a lot easier if it was less fluffy and had a scrawny, evil looking face full of big, jagged teeth instead of that snuggly, widdle, fuzzy wuzzy head.

I wouldn’t mind throwing something ugly in a pot, though. Lobsters are sold live for a reason. People don’t cry about throwing those things in boiling water, but a box full of live bunnies or waddling ducks would never sell at the grocery store. They are too cute!

Someone else is going to have to do the dirty work. That’s why butchers actually make a decent salary.  You have to train for YEARS to butcher a baby calf, turkey or bunny and turn the animal into a steak or a little sausage without feeling any remorse.

By taking an animal to a butcher, you’ve basically hired a skilled hitman.

There are rules to being cute, though. It’s a science.

Sites like cuteoverload have figured out the exact equation needed to induce the aaaawwwwwes and the aaaaaahs. For example, an oversized, floppy paw is deemed cute. Big, bulging black eyes set into a fluffy face is another lethal combination, while a baby animal exposing a warm, fluffy belly is utterly irresistible.

A cute overdose literally causes temporary retardation.

Grown men have been known to tear up and poke at their screens while gurgling like babies when subjected to intense levels of cuteness.

Human children are typically considered cute because of their chubby statures, stubby arms, plump cheeks, huge heads relative to body size and small, round noses. Almost all baby animals have large heads and stubby appendages. We are so enamored with these features that most domesticated species are specifically bred to look like they did when they were babies.

Think of pugs. Those little dogs are not normal…but we WANT pure, unnatural, concentrated, pudgy cuteness, and we’ve forced our pets to look like helpless, little, mutated babies.

Being cute not only protects animals and babies from getting killed (even a kid that fell into a gorilla enclosure at Chicago’s Brookfield zoo was protected by the female ape rather than getting pummeled to death), but triggers a primal need to coddle the ‘cuties’ and give them whatever they want.

You’ll always forgive a puppy once it looks up at you with those big, wet, brown eyes. It knows the rules. That’s why puppies get into as much trouble as possible while they still pass as utterly adorable. That phase only lasts so long. Naturally, they’re going to milk it while they can.

I am sick and tired of getting manipulated…but then again, I tried to get away with as much as I could while I was little too.