Seafoodpunch

Freaking monkeys! When you’re just sitting on the beach and enjoying the pink, fu-fu drink that you shelled out 25 bux for, the hairy little buttmunchers will sneak off with it and ruin your whole day.

The vervet monkeys that make their home at St.Kitts have developed a taste for alcohol, and just like their human counterparts, range from the weekend lush to the raging alcoholic.

It’s the desperate animals that are constantly sauced and are a true embarrassment to their species, though.  After sucking up the margaritas and mai-tais that beachgoers innocently leave on the sand or tables nearby, the monkeys will stumble around, fall off tables and just end up passed out on the floor.

Naturally, the alcohol dependant monkeys can’t face their peers after this pathetic display and prefer life as an inebriated idiot over a monkey without any respect. Then they end up pregnant with no idea about the baby monkey’s daddy and then the baby monkey picks up the habit and history just repeats itself.

Maybe keeping alcohol constantly at hand is a way to keep the monkeys from taking over the beach completely. They can’t do much shitfaced.

Even the warthogs in Africa know to indulge only a couple times a year. In fact, when overly ripened Marula fruit becomes available, it’s time for a party in the Serengeti. Giraffes, apes, elephants and everyone else that enjoys the taste of the fruit will eat away their woes and proceed to sway around with their animal brethren.

I wish I had a boozetree in my backyard. I’d eat at least 25 servings of fruit a day.

The animals in Africa actually deserve to drink it up once in a while, though. They have a lot more to worry about than the lazy apes that lounge around on a Caribbean resort and worry about nothing more than stealing drinks from tourists and dragging their ever expanding beer bellies around the beach.

Some animals are meant to be chronic drunks. It’s just in their DNA. A Malasian tree shrew indulges in fermented nectar on a daily bases. Of course something that’s born to drink is going to be able to drink anyone else under the table. If I were to go head to head with the tree shrew I would end up passed out in a pile of my own vomit before the shrew even expelled a single burp. Their bodies are meant to take the alcohol (which I claim mine is too…but that’s a lie) and can metabolize it at an incredibly efficient rate.

What a nightmare. I’m so glad it only takes one glass of wine to make my knees wobble. Mixing vicodin in there helps too. But could you imagine downing bottle after bottle without any effect whatsoever?! Crap!

I bet today’s drunks get reincarnated as pen-tailed tree shrews. They couldn’t get drunk if they tried. On the other hand, the judgmental, goody two shoed, alcohol hating biatches that look down on us for our drinking habits probably end up as alcoholic vervet monkeys.

If you think I’m making this up…check out these videos:

-Drunk Animals

-Monkeys embarrassing themselves