Kids Are Creepy

Posted by gspeed on Jul 26, 2009 in Health & Fashion, Monsters, Myths & Legends | 3 comments

If I’ve learned anything from watching horror movies, it’s that kids are freaking scary. Orphans thank their adoptive parents by stabbing the family and poisoning the dog. Infants glare out of from under their woolen bonnets with shining, red eyes, while possessed toddlers puke up pea soup all over your fresh linens.

I think horror movies are trying to convey a message:

Don’t. Have. Kids.

I have no problem watching a massive pink blob absorb a small village

or killer tomatoes roll through the neighborhood

or boyfriends transform into confused, snarling dogs

or a group of buxom blonds get lost in the woods, catch a crazy disease and try to kill each other, only to get  skinned alive and turned into wax statues by the local hobgoblin.

But the instant you throw a baby into the equation…it’s all over!

Example: Killer zombies. Awesome. Bring on the popcorn.

Killer BABY zombies??!! I will curl up in the fetal position and possibly pee my pants. I can’t do it.

Kids are meant to be pure and innocent. The idea of a small, naïve child turning on an adult, OUTSMARTING them and potentially murdering them with their tiny little, baby hands is what nightmares are made of.

Children of the Corn, The Omen, The Exorcist and The Ring are arguably some of the scariest movies of their time, and they all involve a kid in one form or another.

Now, I could be wrong…but what else would possess someone to make such a stressful movie besides wanting to teach people a lesson? Stressing us out can’t be the only reason?!

Horror movies may be a community service-it’s population control! Countless teens will abstain from jumping into each other’s laps, even when their raging hormones make self-control almost impossible. The idea of an unexpected pregnancy is just too scary!

Or maybe it’s just easy to make a horror movie…and kids don’t really need a huge paycheck to be happy.

Just an FYI, I am excellent with kids.