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Archive for May, 2009

Chastity Facemask

May 26th, 2009

Seafoodpuncher

Nothing is cooler than pulling a crusty, old, headgear out of your face to ensure your fellow classmates that you aren’t really a horse.

I had a hard enough time fitting in as the awkward, plumpy, awkwardly dressed, new kid…

But that damn metal, torture device propelled me into a whole new category of unpopular.

My teeth weren’t even that bad. I did NOT deserve this.

My father’s first attempt at ruining my life with braces backfired: Apparently I was still too attractive with the multicolored (purple, blue and yellow) metal wiring covering my teeth.

I still believe that my father, in his haste to make sure that I didn’t rush into any relationships, paid a doctor good money to pull that horrible harness over my face thereby ensuring that nobody would ever want a make out session with the new kid at school.

Who knows…but if that was indeed the case, it definitely worked.

He was a genius.

Thank God the majority of kids in my generation have ADD so they pretty much got bored of harassing me about my little accessory after 3.2 minutes.

braces1 bracesglasses Web Web

Posted in Health & Fashion

Tags: braces, chastity, headgear, orthodontics, teeth

2 Comments »

Penguins Can Do No Wrong

May 19th, 2009

Seafoodpuncher

If there is one thing the world can never have enough of its penguins. I will always welcome their stubby little bodies into my life, and can only dream of the day when a chubby little penguin waddles towards me with its floppy little wings prepared for an embrace.

So…if two supposedly gay penguins foster a baby chick and help increase the penguin population in the process then kudos to them.

Penguins are Awesome

Posted in Animalia

Tags: Animalia, cute, gay penguins, penguins, zoo

2 Comments »

Bellybuttons Mean Trouble

May 19th, 2009

Seafoodpuncher

Lint Needs a Home Too The eye is always drawn to that obnoxious lint-greedy hole (aka the bellybutton) sticking out in the middle of your gut. It just sits there…waiting…watching… and causing unnecessary drama in all of our lives.

I remember drawing a bug-eyed dog for someone’s little brother years ago. He was happy until I added a little splotch right on the dog’s gut. I always found belly buttons funny. The kid didn’t see any humor in the little dot and immediately gave me a shocked look. This bellybutton…this hand-drawn, barely visible, little DOT… made him incredibly uncomfortable. Iguarantee that he would’ve been less upset if I’d drawn his mom giving a bellybutton free dog a lap-dance.

The navel definitely causes a lot of controversy: We all know that a bellybutton forms from a baby’s umbilical cord. You need a mom to get one…so what about Adam and Eve? Adam definitely didn’t come to this earth via the traditional method so what does that mean? He wasn’t born, but created…does that mean he didn’t get a navel?

Many artists avoided this issue altogether by strategically hiding Adam’s belly button behind a leaf or tree branch. Michelangelo was one of the braver artists though, and he had the balls to paint Adam blessed with a navel right on the roof of the Sistine Chapel for everyone to see…including the Pope. Some people are still pissed about that.

(Even later, in the 1940′s, the U.S House Military Committee refused to hand out a booklet to American soldiers because it had illustrations showing Adam and Eve with a navel. It’s just art for crying out loud!)

The bellybutton has also made a name for itself as a sex symbol, albeit an occasionally stinky and linty one. Ever watch the show “I Dream of Jeannie” with the cute little genie granting random wishes? I always imagine a genie wearing loose MC Hammer style pants hanging on the waistline and a bikini top to match. The bellybutton should just come with the outfit. But in the 60′s hit “I Dream of Jeannie” the navel was never revealed. Censors wouldn’t have it. God knows what would have happened to the country if families were allowed to watch a sexy lady live with an unmarried man AND see her navel too??! It would have caused riots.

The bellybutton has definitely been though a lot in the past 500 years. I guess I should just be happy to have one of those sassy buttons (two would definitely be too much, though).

The Modern Man

Posted in Health & Fashion, Monsters, Myths & Legends

Tags: bellybutton, History, lint, navel, religion, stomach

No Comments »

When Pigs Fly

May 11th, 2009

Seafoodpuncher

Don't inhale these guys

So pig flu isn’t really bird flu in disguise, but rather a Frankenstein version of the flu virus that’s made up of a some bird flu, a few pieces of human flu and a couple chunks from the pig flu genome. The porcine (piggy) parts of the virus are tested to determine how susceptible we are to getting sick from it…so that’s why the name ‘pig flu’ trumps anything else.

Israelis arn’t happy with the name, though. It does make sense for people to get upset at having caught “swine flu” when they’ve spent their whole lives avoiding anything to do with pork (even poor, defenseless, little, bacons…so sad).

Nobody really knows where the virus came from, but most people theorize that the pig flu’s birthplace was at a farm somewhere…inside a pig that was probably friendly with some chickens and people. Now we have a virus to worry about.

But the good news is that if you’re older, you’ll probably be OK. It’s us (ahem…) young’uns that seem to be getting sick. I guess living indoors and not exposing ourselves to enough dirt and fresh air…and various forms of the flu… has made us susceptible to getting sick from the newer version. Blame HBO.

News of pig flu has been blown out of proportion and kept us glued to the TV screens and away from the germ riddled schools and parks. The irony is that the people who DON’T get sick are the ones who have exposed themselves to all kinds of crap over the years, but now we are all too scared to go out. Not only that, but regular flu (the one that some of us avoid those christmas vaccinations for) generally kills a lot more people per week than the pig flu does.

Fortunately swine flu has nothing to do with eating pork…unless someone with pig flu coughs on your bacon.

This is the Pig Flu

Posted in Animalia

Tags: bird flu, h1n1, pig flu, virus

1 Comment »

Toofless

May 11th, 2009

Seafoodpuncher

So I had the pleasure of having my 7 year old cousin flick her floppy little tooth in my face and hear her yell upstairs as Mom pulled it out. Man, what a proud moment that was for my baby cousin. Nobody could escape this kid as she showed everyone the lonely hole that once housed that tooth escapee.

I remember losing my first tooth while eating a hotdog. It was a horrific experience: I thought I bit down on a bone (which already grossed me out…what kind of a hotdog has a bone in it?) but then ended up spitting out a tooth, instead. Dear God! I hope that was my tooth…and not some gross tooth that landed in the mix at the hotdog factory. Hmmm…hopefully I had a gap in my smile afterwards.

And nobody ever made me feel better with stories of the tooth fairy, either. (Insert tiny violin here).

The whole milktooth thing is so weird. Babies squirm and cry as their first set of teeth push through their pink gums and then those damn teeth just decide to fall out! Even after putting us through all that torture! How dare they?!

Don't worry, you'll find a replacement