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Squishypuff the Mutated Goldfish

Posted by on Mar 12, 2009 in Animalia, Best of SFP | 12 comments

My eyes had begun to glaze over as I made my way through the pet store in search of the perfect fish. I passed small, beady-eyed cichlids and dozens of other shiny fish that flitted from one end of their tanks to the other. Nothing really peaked my interest, though. They were all just boring fish with no personality. I wanted something…more exciting? Less fishy? I had no idea…

I began to think that I was looking for the impossible, and then I noticed two giant eyeballs staring at me from a small tank in the corner of the store. It was love at first sight.

The eyes jostled around on a bulging face similar to a yolk jiggling around on an undercooked egg. I knew the fish was doing its best to focus on me. His entire body, which was basically just a scaly ball with tiny fins, seized from side to side in an attempt to stay in position, while his mouth opened and closed excitedly.  I never wanted a pet more in my life. (Click HERE  or HERE to see one of these guys in ‘action’)

love-you1Squishypuff did alright in his aquarium for a while. I grew accustomed to him swimming upside down when he couldn’t fight the current with the tiny fins he’d been cursed with. And I got used to his habit of picking up pebbles from the bottom of the tank only to get them stuck in his mouth. He really did have an undercooked egg for a head.

But I couldn’t overlook the fact that he couldn’t compete with the few other fish in the tank. He did his best to wiggle his way towards the food pellets I plopped into the water every day, but he was just too slow. By the time squishypuff jiggled and writhed his way to the surface, all the food had already been eaten, digested and crapped out by the other, less mutated and more agile, fish. I would watch the pitiful Squishypuff (never one to give up) continue to jiggle around the surface in search of scraps, looking confused as always. 

I had my heart set on keeping Squishy, but I couldn’t think of any solution besides shoving the fish pellets into Squishypuff’s face myself. I decided to take an alternative, less time-consuming, route and sent poor Squishy off to live with a family of goldfish that were just as dumb, slow and eager to suck on rocks.

I like to think that Squishy is now the proud father of dozens of little goldfish: They may never get anywhere no matter how hard they wiggle those ridiculous bodies of theirs, but they never give up either. Here’ s to you Squishypuff! *raises glass*

poor-dumb-goldfish