Seafoodpunch

Aaaah, good ol’ Saint Patrick’s day. The day where I wonder whether it’s really worth it to brave the countless bars that play host to all the alcoholics who want nothing more than to drink a keg of Guinness, pass out and then wake up at an IHOP in the morning.

Though the experience sounds fabulous, and I’ve made St. Patrick proud in the past, I don’t know if I’m ready for this again. I don’t know if I can handle getting wheezed on by a drunkie describing his lucky charms, or wait in line for 30 minutes to use the bathroom when my bladder has reached it’s threshold after half a mug of beer (it’s sad).

I may purchase one of those giant green hats and watch a movie, though. How about leprechaun? Ok, maybe not, no amount of beer in the world will make we watch that crap (for…uh…the third time). I don’t know if the movie is really accurate, anyway.

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Theory #1: I have come to the conclusion that leprechauns are sort of a genetically defective faerie. There is never a mention of a female leprechaun, so obviously the trait is carried over on the Y chromosome. This ‘defect’ causes stubbiness, an aversion to being sober and the innate ability to fix anything.

Theory #2: Other people believe leprechauns to be a sort of hybrid between a human and a faerie that, against all laws of physics, got romantically involved.

I tend to believe the first theory, since it is pretty unrealistic to get it on with a faerie (I’ve tried) and there are LOTS of leprechauns out there.

Leprechauns are generally good natured little guys, and have a knack for fixing things. They are usually seen carrying a shoe in one stubby little hand (never a pair) and a hammer in the other. (The Irish know to find leprechauns by listening for the sound of a striking hammer.) Fixing shoes isn’t going to make anyone rich, though, so it’s a good thing that every leprechaun has gold buried somewhere. Leprechauns guard their treasures rather than spend it, but like anyone who’s won the lottery will tell you, their lives aren’t any better because of it.

Leprechauns get the feeling that people are only after their money. Why else would anyone want to hang out with a red haired midget in green overalls, right? This can cause some resentment and leprechauns will take out their aggression with a few childish pranks. Those missing socks? Leprechaun. Getting hit in the face by a baseball? Leprechaun. Car wont start? Leprechaun. Poop on the carpet? Don’t blame the dog…

Leprechauns also like alcohol. Obviously, any living thing associated with a holiday that promotes drinking, is going to have a taste for the stuff. Leprechauns don’t really have it easy, and it is understandable that many of them will turn to an Irish moonshine-called poteen-to take the edge off.

Unfortunately, a drunk leprechaun is not a pretty sight, and I pity anyone who has to share their house with one: A drunk leprechaun (aka a cluricaun) will raid your fridge at night and ride your pet around like a cowboy at a rodeo (the cluricaun’s favorite sport). The only thing you can do is leave out some treats for the little drunk. Don’t worry, your generosity won’t go unrewarded; not only will your pets get some exercise, but the grateful cluricaun will go around fixing stuff around your house instead of breaking it.