Don’t Trust Chimps

Posted by gspeed on Jan 12, 2009 in Animalia | 0 comments

Chimps are Gross:

It’s no surprise that an animal sharing 99.9% of the human genome has some pretty gross tendencies: Chimpanzees will bribe each other for food and sex, rape females from other groups, and fling crap when they’re upset.

But it gets worse: Chimpanzees are incredibly aggressive and will kill other chimp gangs they may come across…and they will often eat the victims.

If a drunken fraternity, the L.A crypts and some cannibals  somehow combined forces, they would probably be comparable to a group of chimps.

Chimps Hog The Remote:

These mini cannibals may look cute when they are babies, but even a hand raised chimp will turn into a force to be reckoned with: I remember hearing a story in the news about a couple raising their chimp as a son…and losing a few body parts because of it:

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Moe wasn’t a bad chimp, but it was clear to James and LaDonna Davis that he was going to be a handful. He knew how to dress himself, how to use the bathroom, and how to turn on the TV and watch his favorite cartoons (skills that most people take years to master), but he just didn’t have any manners. Once he started throwing tantrums and biting people, it was time for Moe to get shipped off to the sanctuary.

Chimps Will Kill For Cake:

James and LaDonna still doted on Moe and brought him a cake for his 39^th birthday. It was while cutting the cake that the two other chimps sharing Moe’s cage escaped and ruthlessly attacked the visiting couple. These apes ended up tearing into Dave, leaving him with half a face and stumps for hands. It didn’t end there either: the two crazed chimps bit off part of the man’s butt and mutilated his foot as well. Sanctuary workers claim that jealousy prompted the rogue chimp attack, enraged by the fact that these humans were giving Moe all the attention. If you’re going to bring chimpanzees something, you better bring enough for everybody. Jealousy is lame.

Chimps Are Butt-Guys:

I don’t know what’s so appealing about chimpanzees. The first time I saw a chimp I couldn’t stop staring at the bulbous red ass attached to this hairy mini-person. I was too young to know that a nice shiny rump is a female chimp’s way of attracting a mate. Having a decent derrière comes with consequences though, and the ladies with the nicest butts where chastised by the unlucky females whose asses just weren’t as round or as red. It was like experiencing high school drama all over again.

Chimps Are Too Much Like People:

Scary that the ass attraction is also something we can all relate to. Why else would surgeons offer butt implants to the flat assed woman now-a-days? Ridiculous.

Chimps make many people uncomfortable. Looking at creatures that are almost human, like Michael Jackson or your first wife’s stepmother, is an eerie experience.

Either way, chimps are not to be trusted! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Note:

Moe escaped from the sancuary in 2008 and is still on the loose. Make sure to walk across the street if you see him on the sidewalk and avoid eye contact. He is considered armed and dangerous .