Seafoodpunch

Some people are just born lucky; they have a great family, a gorgeous place to live and end up with jobs that pay for the olympic sized pools in their backyards, (including  all the ladies swimming in them). The Minotaur, like Medusa, wasn’t one of those people.

Minotaur’s story begins in Crete, where two spoiled princes were fighting over who would make the better King. One of these sons, named Minos,wanted the gods to make a bull walk out of the ocean as proof that even the higher powers were on his side. Poseidon, famed god of the sea, decided that the idea wasn’t so terrible and told Minos that he would create this marine bovine, but that it would have to be sacrificed back to him. OK, thought Minos, no problem.

As promised, a beautiful, white bull was spit out by the waves and it stood on the beach, muscles tense,  in all of its glory. This studly beast was apparently too glorious to kill, and Minos decided to keep it instead. Minos would feed it and snuggle it and clean up after it and love it forever and ever.  Poseidon was obviously pissed at Minos for not giving the precious bull back, and so Poseidon decided to take something from Minos in exchange.

Since Minos loved the bull so damn much, he wouldn’t miss his wife right? Poseidon worked his magic on the poor woman (aka Pasiphae) and she became infatuated with the bull, forgetting all about her husband. Poseidon knew how to play dirty too.

Unfortunately for Pasiphae, the strong feelings she had for the bull weren’t mutual, so she had to figure out a way to trick the animal into finding her attractive.  Pasiphae quickly hired a famous architect to construct a hollow cow out of wood to entice the bull.  Her plan was to sit inside the decoy in a romantic meadow with her ass hanging out so that the bull could have his way with her. Apparently it worked…because nine months later, the little baby minotaur was born!

Pasiphae raised the baby as her own for a few months. After all, it would be a shame to have had  to squeeze out a  massive baby with a bull’s head (those things have horns!), just to give him up in the end. Minos was obviously embarrassed by his wife’s escapades and ended up trapping the Minotaur in a massive labyrinth, where no one would see the abomination…I’m sure everyone was relieved though, because the Minotaur became really aggressive in his teens.

The story gets more complicated after that- with all kinds of  family drama and godly interventions- but in the end, a young man named Theseus kills the Minotaur. Unfortunately, this is impossible, because I can say for a fact that my new roommate IS the Minotaur.

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His huge hoofs clack along the horrible linoleum floor of our rental at 4am almost every morning. Shoes do nothing to dull the noise, since his sharp little feet wear them down to nothing within hours.

Any man that big needs to be constantly fed too, which means that the slamming of kitchen cupboards never stops. I never knew what the diet of a Minotaur consisted of, but after his most recent trip to Costco I saw a massive crate of eggs, a tub of  mayo, and a at least 50 cans of tuna line his shelf. The protein powder he adds to everything doesn’t help either.

Like most big, hairy men,  he has a pretty bad temper, and when I confronted him about please keeping the unsuspecting virgins he brought over at night quiet…he just dismissed me with a snort and sauntered back up the stairs into his stinking den.

Times have changed for our poor Minotaur. Instead of hunting down unsuspecting children in a labyrinth to take out his aggression, he has to resort to playing online shooting games like Call of Duty, while resting his massive hind-quarters on this month’s dirty laundry.

I doubt that this lifestyle is satisfying for the animal. I can tell that he is stressed,  since the trails of hair he leaves behind are a sure sign that things arn’t going well for the guy.

None of my friends come over, because the Minotaur’s sexual appetite is ravenous and his awkward questions scare all of the girls away. He speaks like a man, but occasionally the bovine part of the creature will break through, and he just stares right at your face for what seems like hours… unblinking, rolling a mess of tuna and mayo around in his mouth.

I really need my own place.