Guest Blogger Mostromundo On Shyamalan’s ‘Signs’

Posted by gspeed on Dec 13, 2008 in Guest Posts, Monsters, Myths & Legends | 2 comments

Editor’s Note:

Mostromundo is a planet sized organism orbiting a modest black hole near the galactic core. He communicates with mankind mostly out of pity, and won’t reveal his exact location in the heavens because he’s worried you might stop by. 

This character will occasionally contribute an article to seafoodpunch when he feels like it…in this case, he is a little behind, but when it comes to dealing with beings of the higher order, we have no choice but to accept whatever they have to offer.

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 ’M. Night Shyamalan Taught Extraterrestrial Algebra; The Aliens from ‘Signs’ Weren’t Totally Dumb’

OK, so this is timely, right? Only 6 or 7 years since the movie came out, I figured I’d wait around and see if anyone else figured out why in the hell the aliens in ‘Signs’ were so pathetic.

And none of you did.

For shame, little mortals! It could not be clearer!

‘But why, oh Mostro, why would aliens smart enough to build starships bother coming all this way and fighting hand to hand when they get burned by liquid water?‘, you implore your grand and stately Worldbeast.

‘Why, if they’re strong enough to comfortably lift a pre-teen boy one-handed, can they not kick down pantry doors?’

Now now, do not fret my little creatures. Mostromundo is here. Your Worldbeast will shed light for you.

It is true, the alien soldiers showed interesting inconsistencies in terms of their strengths and weaknesses. If you were an army of hydrophobic space-thugs trying to topple a wet planet like Earth, it would be silly to set foot on the surface without some kind of protection. Your weakness would be exposed as soon as the screaming naked monkey-people peed on you in terror.

And yet, the force behind the invasion was obviously not stupid, after all, they’re better engineers than humans, you can barely get to the moon. Ha!

Notice that the soldiers actually were pretty stupid; they had trouble with locked doors and couldn’t be bothered with raincoats. They weren’t even wearing pants.

Conclusion? The soldiers were not the ones in charge of the operation.

‘So who was?’ you ask of your Mostro, ‘Al Qaeda?’

Yes, my little chickadees, ultimately that’s probably true, but below them in the chain of command is a race whose motives we know very little of. The only thing we can really deduce about them is that they wanted X number of human cadavers.

‘Why X number of cadavers?’ your little eyes full of awe, ‘Why not all the humans?’

Alas, even with a neural cortex only a little smaller than the moon you can barely get to, I must admit that I don’t exactly know. Perhaps the freezer was full?  Perhaps an oversupply of lucky human foot keychains would drive prices down? Probably they didn’t have a hunting license and didn’t want to risk getting busted for overharvesting walking abalone (that’s what we call your kind out here).

The soldiers, in fact, were a manufactured race, built with a set of weaknesses that would allow humankind to repel them within a certain timeframe, and a set of strengths that would allow them to rampantly poach mankind within that timeframe.

I might point out that it doesn’t speak well of you that the primary weakness of the soldiers was water. Honestly, that’s a little embarrassing. Your species is so unimposing that they actually had to make the soldiers vulnerable to the material that you’re mostly made of.

Sigh. But do not worry on it, my pets. Your Mostro is still here for you.

With grudging affection from the Galactic Core,

Mostromundo

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