Dream of Passionate Vampire Love Making? I’ve Got Bad News…

Posted by gspeed on Dec 3, 2008 in Animalia, Monsters, Myths & Legends | 6 comments

Vampire novels seem to be the latest craze. Sure, Anne Rice novels were incredibly popular way back when, but those books are nothing compared to the Twilight Series. This badly written phenomenon has caused both teens, moms and the occasional confused hetero male to read about the sexy teenage vampire’s escapades with the supposedly ordinary girl, Bella. 

Ok, I read the book cover to cover…I will say that I thought it was a fun read and may even recommend it to people who I won’t see again.

But my only thought at the end of this book-after reading about Edward’s vampire cravings, and Bella’s fascination with her new boyfriend-was “do vampires get erections?” ( I ask this as a scientist!) I didn’t think about the plot, the story, the cover, or the characters. I just begged the answer to that question. This book is a young adult novel too, by the way, which means the only thing described is a peck on the cheek or whisper in the ear…

Lets think about it: Vampires need blood to sustain themselves. They can survive eons without feeding and there cant be anything but dust coursing through their veins after a century long nap. You need blood to get an erection. So how would it work? Can a vampire even get an erection without the urge to feed frantically, since what little reserves he has are making their way to his nether-regions? And what would even come out of that nuggetpouch besides puffs of smoke?

Actually, I just had another thought: If a vampire doesnt have a heartbeat, then how the hell does blood go anywhere? This would be a great thesis paper, by the way.

After careful research at sites like “I heart vampires”, I found out that apparently after “turning” (which basically means you get cramps and expell all kinds of stuff from your system, turn pale and grow fangs) vampires can father a child for a year. In Twilight, edward is around 80, so either he got lucky, or someone didn’t pay attention in vampire biology class.

As for female vampires, I’m not sure they could support a baby. Its something that I’d rather not think about. Just like I don’t like thinking about what’s in a hot dog.

Maybe vampires have evolved as proud owners of tiny peckers that only need a few drops before they can say howdy-do…but I’ve been proven wrong before.