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Melting Too
Written by Seafoodpuncher on June 29, 2009 – 11:36 pm -Those of you who read the previous post may have come to realize that there is a massive amount of ice cream melting throughout the nation.
It is HOT! I guess sweating out a lung is enough for most people to come to this conclusion on their own, but I just want to make it clear how freaking hot it is.
And all the ice creams! Oh, the poor, little ice creams. They never had a chance.
Ice cream used to be a luxury, and the idea of a lonely scoop melting away in the street would have caused a riot. Nowadays, it just causes passerbys to tear up a little. sniff.
Centuries ago, you had to plan months in advance to get your ice cream in the summer: Before fridges came around, people would store the ice hacked from the surface of ponds or lakes in holes underground. It held surprisingly well, but you had to cram a lot in there to make it last.
Ice storage has been around since 1700 BC and so has the lust for a cold beverage in the heat of summer. Those special snow cones were probably held with an iron grip.
Can you imagine the embarrassment of dropping a ball of snow that had been carefully stored for 6 months…waiting in the dark until it was finally its turn to shine in the summer heat? Oh god. You’d probably try sucking up as much as you could from the sidewalk.
Tags: ice, ice cream, melting, plop
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Melting
Written by Seafoodpuncher on June 28, 2009 – 11:20 pm -I woke up before 9am today so I thought for sure that hell had frozen over, but NO…it’s still so goddamn hot! What is going on?
Alright! I managed to turn on the computer and read my email…and I have to say, I’m very impressed with myself right now. Most people wouldn’t have had the drive to get up from the sizzling, hot, leather chair and leave half their skin behind in the process.
Now to switch out these underwear for the ones in the freezer…
Check out this hilarious article written by Wendi Aarons. It managed to make me feel a little better about my situation:
Summer by Numbers:
Current outside temperature in Austin: 103
Number of days it will remain this temperature in Austin: 103
Number of days since the upstairs A/C went out: 1/2
Amount of swear words uttered since the upstairs A/C went out: 50
Amount of swear words uttered that began with the word “mutha”: 50
Number of times the A/C repairman was called: 6
Number of times the A/C repairman’s secretary told us to “Keep your pants on, hon”: 2
Number of times we told the A/C repairman’s secretary to “Keep your own damn pants on, hon”: 7
Hours until the mythical A/C repairman will arrive at our house: 24
Hours until we all go insane and kill each other with sharpened Popsicle sticks: 1
Current downstairs temperature: 75
Current upstairs temperature: 95
Odds that a cloud will form on the landing where the cold air and hot air meet: 1 in 100
Odds that I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about regarding how clouds form: 1 in 1
Number of little boys who now need to sleep on the downstairs hide-a-bed: 2
Number of times little boys on the hide-a-bed will scream, “He’s touching my butt!”: 32
Number of times the little boys’ dad will scream, “Mommy’s touching MY butt!”: 1
Number of minutes mommy will glare at daddy for making this inappropriate comment: 3
Bottles of wine needed to get through The A/C Incident of 2009: 2
Bottles of wine currently in the house: 0
Average speed car will be driven to the liquor store to remedy this problem: 76 mph
Total amount of fine on speeding ticket received for the liquor store flyby: $102.00
Chances that we are all now strongly considering a move to North Dakota: 100%
Tags: get ma an a/c, hot, ice cream, its HOT, melting
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Unemployment…
Written by Seafoodpuncher on June 23, 2009 – 10:01 pm -So, I’ve been happily unemployed for a couple weeks now and can’t seem to enjoy this little vacation any longer. It’s time to find work, but what the hell am I qualified for? I studied Animal Biology, International Relations and German. I could ship long haired rabbits abroad for a German company, perhaps? Work on a cruise-ship for German retirees and their pets? I’ve got it!!! I could be the international representative for the veterinarians that improve your pet’s self-esteem with plastic surgery! No? Food critic?
I’m taking suggestions.
I’m curious where I’ll end up, but for now, I’ll just fend off the depression by watching “Dirty Jobs” (there ARE people worse off than me) and Spongebob Squarepants.
Tags: employment, job, jobless, resume, unemployment
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Pelican vs. Pigeon
Written by Seafoodpuncher on June 23, 2009 – 11:55 am -Pigeons have managed to take over almost every city on the planet.
Pelicans are the solution! Poisons and nets are messy and timeconsuming. Pelicans, on the other hand, will happily gobble up the occasional pigeon to help out with population control (seen HERE).
Unfortunately, the ingested pigeons would still get the last laugh by contributing to the pelican poop now replacing their own (Plus it’s a little gruesome…I’d have a hard time watching). Damn you pigeons!!
Either way, wouldnt you rather have the massive, gaping maw of a pelican begging for scraps rather than a pigeon? You could pretend that you’re in Greece! Or use the pelican as a wastebasket! Aim and throw…
Tags: bird, pelican, pigeon, Weird
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More Toys!!
Written by Seafoodpuncher on June 22, 2009 – 6:36 pm -I like my desk messy. Not because it gives people the false impression that I’m busy, but because ANY little piece of crap is entertaining when you need a slight distraction.
Before my little collection of plants, toys, photos and snacks I would resort to batting around a ball of lint to help me procrastinate. But no more!!! Now I have all kinds of toys lying around my desk which people are more than happy to sell me.
There is a whole market for office toys for god’s sake…and what’s worse is that we BUY the magnetic mini sculptures, rubber band sling shots and humping dog USB sticks. After these proud purchases, we whittle away at the very jobs we can’t quit because they help us pay for all this shit. It’s a conspiracy!!
What has the world come to?? We need constant entertainment. Even though our kids are suffocating under mounds of gameboys, glittery balls, plush toys and board games, they still wheeze out requests for the latest video game or the new doll that can now, not only burp and pee, but also crap herself (poopie packs sold separately)! OMG, I’m totally going to buy one and make it poop on my desk!
Life could be worse, though. We all need toys. Even thousands of years ago, people would slap together some clay and sticks to create a makeshift doll. But toys were meant for kids. In Greece, girls would sacrifice their dolls to the Gods right before marriage symbolizing the transition from child to adult. I’m sure their husbands never heard the end of it….
Now you’re a prude for not wanting to play with toys as an adult. Pth.
It’s gotten hard to tell where childhood ends and adulthood begins…but thank God for that.
Tags: office, toy, toys
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